Editor’s note: Michael Riedel is on vacation. Filling in is Rob Bartlett, the “Imus in the Morning” comic now appearing in Broadway’s “How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.” Bartlett also wrote the short-lived play “More To Love,”
the trials of which he relates here.
IF you’ve ever had gum surgery — or spent time in a Turkish prison — you have some idea of what it’s like to be involved in a certifiable Broadway flop. In October 1998, I wrote and starred in one.
It was called “More To Love: A Big Fat Comedy,” an epic failure so momentous, it made “Moose Murders” look like “Wicked.” It ran 17 previews and four performances, and the pull quote from the Times was “Avert your eyes.” Not exactly the type of thing you hang from a marquee.
In hindsight, perhaps writing a play based on my stand-up act and infusing it with maudlin sentiment about a midlife crisis and coming to terms with an absentee father was about as good an idea as mounting a production of “Willie! The Musical Death of a Salesman,” or at least as ill-advised as “Miracle Worker on Ice.”
But the audiences who came to see “More To Love” laughed throughout and cheered when it was over. Maybe the cheering was because it was finally over, but they cheered nonetheless.
I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall when our director, who, in the interests of propriety, shall remain nameless — Jack O’Brien — left town the day before opening night. I assume that was only because he couldn’t get a visa to actually leave the country. Yes, “More To Love” was actually bad enough for a man to consider abandoning his citizenship.
My experience as author and star of this theatrical train wreck makes me uniquely qualified to offer some advice to those currently involved in “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Money Faucet and Turn On the Lawsuits”: Once the critics have turned on you, you’ll never get them back. Although it’s hard to classify it as a flop because, despite an incomprehensible book and a score that sounds as if Bono and The Edge kept all the good songs for their U2 tour, it’s still doing brisk business at the box office.
Of course, that business is due to theatergoers looking to see an actor face-plant into the orchestra pit. Should ticket sales flag, it wouldn’t be surprising to find a producer wandering around backstage with a screwdriver loosening a few key harnesses, fulfilling the promise of that showbiz axiom, “Give the people what they want.”
“Spider-Man: Turn Off the Life Support” is eerily similar to “More To Love: A Big Fat Flop” in that the reviews for both were mixed: Some critics despised them, some loathed them, the rest merely found them horrifying.
Given the opportunity to share the benefit of my experience, I would advise the “Spider-Man” company to take the lemons that are their reviews and make Limoncello. And then drink that Limoncello. Lots of it. Until they have drunk the pain away. Then, with some creative editing, provide a more positive spin on the notices, as I’ve done here with the following quotes from the actual reviews of “More To Love”:
“Moments of genuine laughter are sparse.” — The Washington Times
“Genuine laughter!”
“This trite piece is only entertaining (and sporadically so at that) when Bartlett drops the dramatic charade.” — the New York Times
“Entertaining!”
See how easy it is? Here’s how the reviews so far for “Spider-Man” can be spun as it moves toward its new (and hopefully final) opening date.
“An inconsistent, maddening show that’s equal parts exciting and atrocious.” — New York Post
“Exciting!“
“When this amount of time and money is tossed at a show, even demanding theatergoers should be awed, not bored.” — The Hollywood Reporter
“Theatergoers should be awed.”
Awed they are. Maybe not the way you wish they were, but it really is all about perspective. One man’s “Carrie” is another man’s “Capeman,” which is still yet another man’s “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” a musical that closed after four previews and didn’t even get to open.
“Spider-Man” will shut down for a few weeks to retool before officially opening June 14. If I had the chance to do that with “More To Love” — retool and have it re-reviewed — would I?
Nah. I think I’d rather have gum surgery at a Turkish prison.