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I’ll miss Harry Potter as I’ll miss liver-flavored jelly beans.
“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2,” the final chapter of the wildly successful wizardly franchise, is smashing box-office records in its first week of cinematic release — cementing the careers of its sexless boy heroes (and one stuck-up babe).
But the “Potter” phenomenon was never really about the androgynous stars. And the tale of good vs. evil, of magical folks vs. ordinary schmoes — a commercially viable series without a lick of nudity or raunchy language — was not about wizards.
The canon marked the world’s first must-see pairing of tween novels and flicks, and launched 1,000 pretenders (think: “Twilight”). But at its core, this is a real-life story of a woman’s triumph over those damn male Muggles.
And in the end, “Potter” may go down as the most sexist story ever told.
Harry’s fanciful world of wands and warlocks was cooked up by a broke, British welfare mother who penned her first novel, the myth goes, longhand, in a Scottish coffee shop, whenever her demanding infant daughter napped — all while escaping an abusive husband.
“Potter” is as much about the fight against encroaching feminism waged by its creator, Joanne “J.K.” Rowling — who swiped the middle initial “K” from her paternal grandma, Kathleen, so that young, male audiences might be duped into believing she’s a man. Her $1 billion net worth is now double that of Queen Elizabeth’s.
A fable has grown around the author, who’s seen as a heroine to man-hating gals everywhere as she stubbornly gambled her daughter’s well-being against her own literary and marketing genius. You can’t argue with 450 million copies sold worldwide, I suppose.
A new movie debuted this week on Lifetime (otherwise known as the “Men Suck, Men Suck Network”) called “Magic Beyond Words: The J.K. Rowling Story.” In it, we learn a few lessons:
Lesson 1: Do say, “It’s not about the money,” when clearly it’s about getting stinking rich.
“We both know she’s full of s- – -t about not doing it for the money, though in all fairness, she lives in the UK, where she’s probably in the 99 percent tax bracket,” a publishing exec of my acquaintance said.
“As for being the greatest influence since sliced bread, in my almost 30 years in publishing, I’ve never seen anything quite like it. J.K. Rowling will, in generations to come, be up there with Lewis Carroll, Dr. Seuss and E.B. White.”
Lesson 2: Expel the almighty.
In her book, “What’s a Christian To Do With Harry Potter?” Connie Neal argues against the notion that magic substitutes for God here, writing that the works are highly moral. Although — spoiler alert! — Harry’s death and resurrection in “Hallows 2” probably won’t sit well with religious types who complain that magic substitutes for God. I find it offensive mainly as a lazy and cowardly plot device.
Lesson 3: Marry a sexy, nasty Portuguese guy.
“What could be more admirable than a divorced mother who went from public assistance to being the richest woman in Britain — by dint of writing wonderful, wholesome stories that people all over the world wanted to read?” said Lisa Schiffren, a speechwriter and mom of three.
Lesson 4: Have an indulgent parent who calls you “special” when she means “weird.”
That was Rowling’s beloved, late mother, Anne, who didn’t live to see her daughter’s success.
Lesson 5: The more rejection, the better.
Rowling didn’t make it into Oxford. A dozen publishers passed on “Potter.” When Bloomsbury paid her 1,500 pounds for the first book, her editor advised her to get a day job.
Lesson 6: Believe that men rule — the popularity of Selena Gomez in “The Wizards of Waverly Place” notwithstanding.
J.K. Rowling pretended to be a man, wrote tales starring a guy and endured physical abuse for being born a woman. She triumphed. But the lessons she teaches little girls are murky.
Do whatever it takes to get ahead.
JANE REMAINS ‘HANOI’-ING
Hanoi Jane is having a senior meltdown.
Jane Fonda, who posed gleefully atop an American-killing antiaircraft gun in North Vietnam in 1972, lashed out crazily at shopping channel QVC after it canceled the elder traitor’s scheduled TV appearance to promote her new book on aging, “Prime Time.”
“I am, to say the least, deeply disappointed that QVC caved to this kind of insane pressure by some well-funded and organized political extremist groups,” Fonda, 73, blasted on her Web site last weekend — failing to name the extremists out to get her.
“Most people don’t buy into the far-right lies,” wrote Fonda. “None of it is true. NONE OF IT!” And, “I have never done anything to hurt my country.”
In her 2005 memoir, Fonda apologized profusely for climbing atop the enemy gun. QVC, by the way, said Fonda was dropped as part of a routine scheduling change. See ya, Jane.
Charlie’s boob tube
The day wouldn’t be complete without
“Vatican assassin” Charlie Sheen
getting the last word. The fired,
goddess-less TV star has agreed
to return to the tube in the aptly
titled sitcom “Anger Manage
ment.” — though no network
has yet to take on Charlie.
Do I hear The His
tory Channel?
French kiss-off
The frog’s a fiend. Dominique Strauss-Kahn, whose sexual-assault case brought by an African hotel maid is going down the tubes, is also accused of trying to rape a French journalist. Now, the lady’s mother says she engaged in “consensual but brutal” sex with the ex-International Monetary Fund chief.
“He took me with the vulgarity of a soldier,” (!) Socialist Party official Anne Mansouret, 65, told France’s L’Express.
Mansouret’s unpleasant relations with DSK, she said, came three years before her daughter, Tristane Banon, 32, claimed she was attacked by the randy Gaul in 2003.
The 62-year-old DSK also bedded three women in a few hours on the weekend in May he was alleged to have assaulted the maid in New York, a French mag reported. He insists the sex was consensual. His dingbat wife is said to not mind.
How did he find time for Socialist politics? If DSK is cleared of charges he attacked the maid, I can’t wait for him to get the hell out of this country.
Still has a Tiger in her ‘bank’
Being one of Tiger Woods’ extramarital love interests gave former “VIP club hostess” Rachel Uchitel cheap fame and mounds of cash.
Now, she has neither. But fear not, golf fans! Rachel may have dirt to shovel on the frisky linksman, who gave golfers, and husbands, a bad name.
Uchitel’s fame-sniffing lawyer, Gloria Allred, reportedly talked her client into returning most of $10 million the hostess received from Woods in exchange for shutting her trap.
Rachel’s mad because Allred gets to keep her fees. But now, it appears classy Rachel can talk about Woods until she turns purple.
What’s left to tell?