Man, talk about missing the memo! I apologize, I was completely unaware about that change in rules; I didn’t know that networks now mandate that game analysts deliver windy speeches after every play during football telecasts.
Here I thought it was just an epidemic.
Dan Dierdorf, after Saturday’s Ravens-Steelers game on CBS, certainly does not have to worry about non-compliance. He made our ears bleed, eventually performing the don’t-try-this-at-home trick of drowning himself out.
Dierdorf blew hard after every play, often making sure to say at least twice what wasn’t needed once, and just as often speaking useless “Make no mistake about it” declaratives that often ended with useless superlatives.
After a first-quarter hassle between Ed Reed and Hines Ward — both identified by play-by-player Greg Gumbel — Dierdorf was compelled to add, “Well, talk about two big-name players!”
If that’s what he had to say about it, what a perfect time to have remained silent.
Then there was the play when linebacker Ray Lewis missed a diving tackle in the Steelers backfield, running back Isaac Redman escaping to gain a couple of yards. Dierdorf said just that; the rest was self-evident — he couldn’t miss it, we couldn’t miss it, so just leave it alone.
But Dierdorf further explained it: “That could have been a negative play for Pittsburgh. Watch Ray Lewis. He’s gonna come right through the A-gap. He’s right there, but Redman is able to get outside of Lewis and pick up the first down. At first blush that looked like that might have been a negative play for Pittsburgh.”
Good grief! And it went like that all game!
Yet, when speechmaking really counted, Dierdorf clammed up. There were many incidents of unsportsmanlike conduct — players willing to risk 15 yards and being tossed from the biggest game of the season — yet these were the moments when Dierdorf lost his urge to pontificate.
One replay showed Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor, well after the play ended, head-butting wideout T.J. Houshmandzadeh. But all Dierdorf could manage was that the game had become “chippy.” Chippy?
And it was too much to expect Dierdorf or CBS to know that Taylor was penalized for similar misconduct two years ago — in the Super Bowl!
But to be perfectly fair (and balanced) Dierdorf’s approach — pandering to the worst acts, incessant speechmaking — places him among the vast majority of TV’s analysts. On FOX yesterday, Moose Johnston picked it up where Dierdorf left off. Rules are rules!
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FOX’s Terry Bradshaw
yesterday nailed Rex Ryan
as classless, as “someone I couldn’t play for.” Fine, but you might recall that not long ago on the same show, Bradshaw and Howie Long
mirthfully calling each other “s–mbags.”
Saturday on CBS, Weekend Boomer Esiason
put the knock on Antonio Cromartie
for calling Tom Brady
a vulgarity. Weekday Boomer is the co-host of the cover-your-ears-kids “Boomer and Carton” radio show.
Mike Fran-say-so
on his show yesterday morning applied all his inside knowledge to conclude that one thing is certain: If the Patriots win the toss, Bill Belichick
will take the ball. The Patriots won the toss then chose to kick.
Yesterday’s FOX pregame show focused on which team, the Jets or Patriots, given all the gutter-talk, would be more motivated. For crying out loud, when was extra motivation needed to win playoff games?
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FOX, Moose, Seahawks and Bears, oh, my! As heard yesterday during Seahawks-Bears, Johnston is another who has replaced “tackled for a loss” with “tackled for negative yardage.”
The network shot a big fourth-and-inches — a Jay Cutler
QB keeper — from behind
the play, making it impossible to see if Chicago made it — “gained positive yardage” or “moved the chains.”
And on the pregame show Frank Caliendo
referred to Darelle Revis
and Ryan as “Revis and Butthead.”
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Did ya miss it? An unbreakable NFL record was tied in Pittsburgh — quickest use of the “instant” replay rule. A challenge was made after the opening kickoff. Four minutes later, the game resumed.
Let us know, will ya, if you see Michael Strahan
in line to buy a sandwich in a Subway.
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CBS’ Jim Nantz
will be in Houston on Wednesday to dedicate the Nantz National Alzheimer’s Center — in honor of his late father — at the Texas Medical Center.
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How do players such as the Ravens’ Terrell Suggs
and Ray Rice
feel about watching themselves on tape, performing exaggerated displays of muscle-flexing and great self-regard during a game that their teams blow, as the Ravens did on Saturday?
Do they feel bad? Foolish?
If so, apparently not for long.
By the way, will CBS promos include the video of Suggs flexing and pounding his chest after his hit on Ben Roethlisberger
— while the ball was on the ground, up for grabs?
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This time of year, with few games to address, NFL pregame shows have to stretch for stats. CBS’ Shannon Sharpe
touted the Patriots with this: “The Jets have only two interceptions on the road this season. They’ll have zero against Tom Brady.”
Zero, until halfway through the first quarter, anyway.
Given a chance to mention that as he narrated halftime highlights that included the interception, Sharpe didn’t.
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ESPN Classic ran a bio of Bill Russell
on Saturday as part of its Martin Luther King Day observances.
Much time was spent on how Russell steadfastly and nobly refused to give autographs — not even to teammates — because he felt such an act left both him and the other party diminished. This, we were told, provides proof of Russell’s uncompromising social conscience and great personal integrity.
Later, we were told Russell eventually signed a multimillion-dollar exclusive deal to sign and sell his autograph. And this, it was explained, was an example of how Russell is an astute businessman.
Got that?