Entertainment

This bites

If you listen to Skipper Bivens, the star and self- proclaimed “hillbilly” of Animal Planet’s new show, “Hillbilly Handfishin,‘ “ you will come away knowing one thing: Bivens sounds like one bigoted hillbilly.

But more about that later.

More importantly is the question of whether Animal Planet, a network dedicated to all-things-animal, should air a show in which animals fight for their lives while a bunch of people stand around cheering. Answer: The whole concept is fishy.

The show, which at best should be a one-time special (which it was), involves bringing city slickers to Oklahoma, where they “confront their fears” and “bond” while they go noodlin’ — aka “hillbilly handfishin.’ ” I don’t know anyone who has a fear of being bitten by a fish, but apparently Bivens makes quite a nice living off of it.

Noodlin’ or handfishin’ (g’s are forbidden here) is a “sport” in which humans muck around in murky water and stick their arms, feet, hands and legs in catfish dens. They then try to pull the males, who are guarding the eggs in the dens, out of the water. Bivens then lassos the fish while everyone laughs as it gasps for air and desperately tries to break free.

If that isn’t a million laughs, I don’t know what is.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Yes, I’m an animal lover, but I’m not a vegan, and I eat fish. I even go fishing. But then again, I’m not Animal Planet, whose business shouldn’t be about killing animals — right?

Each episode follows three pairs of city people who come to Oklahoma for “the adventure of a lifetime.” Some are picked by the casting agents because they are such obvious fish-out-of-water types, while others are picked because they just sound dumb.

One woman, a bartender from Boston, grabs a fish and after much laughter, as it gasps for air, proclaims, “I’m letting it go! It’s America — right? I have the right to let it go!” As opposed to — where? — France where letting it go is illegal? What-the-hell is she talking about?

Oh, about that bigot thing. Two of tomorrow night’s city slickers are Chicago cops who are smart and well-spoken. Not to Bivens, however who declares, “Tony . . . he’s got that big accent — ‘course he’s Italian. ‘Eh! My name’s Dony!’ ” he mocks. “We don’t get a lot of that here in cotton country.” Yuck.

Aside from a great title, this show is about as much fun as shooting fish in a barrel.