Nick Offerman swears that he is not the same person as his bacon-loving, moustachioed alpha-male character, Ron Swanson, on the comedy “Parks & Recreation.” In his new memoir, “Paddle Your Own Canoe: One Man’s Fundamentals for Delicious Living” (out Tuesday), Offerman writes, “I feel like there are some ideas that are somewhat mis-associated with my public persona.”
After combing through the hilarious new book, we beg to differ. Here are the 11 most undeniably Ron Swanson-esque lines you’ll find in its pages.
1. “If there is a God, no part of the Bible or Christian doctrine will convince me of his existence half as much as the flavor of a barbecued pork rib.”
2. “I am personally opposed to the recent development that positions young parents so violently apposite to germs and dirt in general. I have enjoyed a life of terrific health, knock wood, while remaining generally filthy most of the time.”
3. “When I paddle across the big water, I feel a kinship with my ancestors, in that we have both cheated the river. With the chair and the table, we outsmart gravity. With the boat, we outsmart water and wind and distance.”
4. “We have somehow determined that men need to shave their faces every day, and now apparently their torsos require denuding as well? How far have we fallen? A hairy chest used to be the actual measure by which a man’s virility was determined, and now we are requiring of our ‘men’ a nubile, naked set of pecs,like some prepubescent teenager?”
5. “One day as I was chopping out a humongous mortise with a framing chisel, I realized that this huge mortise-and-tenon joint that I was creating to join the posts and beams together was also one of the bedrock joints used in antique furniture. I thought, ‘Hey, if we can build this structure, then surely we can build a table, which is just a smaller-scale version of a post-and-beam cabin.”
6. On the use of GPS: “What I cannot allow myself to do is acquiesce to being led by the nose to my destination by a computer.”
7. “Jobs that require a suit upset me. They displease me much, as our world is rife with such superficial conformity.”
8. “As a mere sprout, moustaches always represented, simply, manhood to me, as well as heroes, cowboys, and my uncles Don and Dan, who were already my idols and had moustaches that were flinty, bristly, completely virile, and tough as nails.”
9. “Choose your favorite spade and dig a small, deep hole, located deep in the forest or a desolate area of the desert or tundra. Bury your cell phone and then find a hobby.”
10. “I find it consistently difficult to get around the notion that we are all, in our very natures, assholes.”
11. “Everybody knows, but many deny, that eating red meat gives one character. Strength, stamina, stick-to-it-iveness, constitution, not to mention a healthful, glowing pelt.”
Nick Offerman will appear for a performance and discussion at Barnes & Noble Union Square (33 E. 17th St.) this Wednesday at 7 p.m.