So Democrats are finally energized — ready to fight those Republicans who want to ban contraceptives and subjugate women. Even if they lose the presidential election, they’ll at least succeed in stopping those woman-hating neanderthal Republicans . . . because they don’t really exist.
Similarly, Republicans should be able to stop the Democrats from socializing all of our major industries and from going door-to-door to confiscate guns . . . because no groups with any real political clout are working toward either goal.
A lot of politics is about taking tough stands against determined opponents driven by the pure evil desire to subjugate others and destroy freedom. These opponents are many and relentless; that they’re not real shouldn’t detract from just how malicious they are.
These unreal opponents with easily refuted, unpopular arguments are often called “straw men,” but that term undersells the importance of the fight against them.
I prefer to refer to the battle as “Kung Fu fighting invisible ninjas,” because it is a valiant and courageous fight that Americans engage in every day.
While people flailing against unseen enemies may seem insane to an outsider, we shouldn’t think any less of those who stand against such powerful, unrelenting, imaginary evil.
Taking on made-up opponents is a great way to achieve political victories and build confidence. One of the greatest success stories of Barack Obama’s presidency has been his ability to govern despite hundreds of millions of Americans who just can’t stand the fact that the president is black.
They’re also about 99.9999 percent invisible, but that’s not the salient point. The point is that they’re racist, which we all know is wrong, and good people have stood up to them, and thus far the presidency has survived.
Obama hasn’t fared as well against legitimate criticism, but it’s hard to focus on that with all the phantom racists about.
To be fair, a lot of the real people critical of the president aren’t critical of this president but instead of an alternate-universe one who was born in Kenya and is trying to destroy the country.
Some say we should focus more on political opponents who exist in this current day and dimension, but these folks plainly have never tried to engage a political opponent’s real beliefs: It’s hard.
The only way to do that is to understand the person’s real viewpoints and the motivations behind them, an understanding that requires a certain amount of respect for whoever you’re disagreeing with. That respect is nearly impossible, as — and I can’t be the only one who has noticed this — everyone who disagrees with me on politics is stupid and evil.
There’s a nicer way to look at it: As contentious as politics sometimes seems, we actually disagree on very little, because we barely ever argue against each other but mainly argue past each other, against our much more contentious enemies that others can’t see.
Maybe this is even a way we can unite everyone in America. We just need to come up with an imaginary enemy we all can rally against together.
One that hates and wants to destroy America (which the right wants to fight against) and also wants to impose a primitive theocracy on everyone (the sort of thing the left fears from its invisible enemies).
Wait a second. Isn’t that just Islamist terrorists? Why didn’t that work?
Oh, right: They’re not unreal.
Frank J. Fleming is a political humorist.