I just accepted an awesome job offer where I’ll be making significantly more money than my fiancé. Do you have any ideas how to make sure he doesn’t feel less than because I make more?
Mary, West Village
Congratulations! While I totally get you wanting to be sensitive about it, I don’t think this will be an issue — so as long as you don’t throw it in his face. If you’ve earned the right to bring home the bacon, bring it home, baby! He should be proud of you. Plus, you’re engaged. Usually couples combine salaries once they get married anyway. In fact, I’d emphasize how your new salary will benefit you both. If you don’t make it a big deal, he won’t either.
Find a way to celebrate that involves something he’s good at or enjoys. Is he a foodie who likes to eat out? Make a reservation at the spot on top of his “go-to” list — then whip out your credit card at the end. Or if he’s really into wine, ask him to meet you at the wine shop because you want his help picking out a really good bottle. Once he’s chosen some fancy, rare vintage, offer to pay and explain why. The point is to make sure he knows that your new raise will mean a “higher” life for him, too.
I have been dating a widow for about three months. She was married for 10 years before and has three girls, ages 9, 7 and 4. I met and get along with the two younger ones, but the older one is quite challenging. She wasn’t easy before her father died suddenly during a basketball game, and now it’s clear she’s fearful of her mother leaving her, too. I am not sure how to approach this and want to help. How can I?
Uri, 36, Flushing
These girls are lucky to have someone like you in their life; someone who is clearly aware of what’s going on. Young kids often don’t understand why they feel the way they feel, and older kids are more challenging because they do understand, but don’t really know how to process it all.
The most important thing to do is make them feel safe and loved when you’re around. Because you’re fairly new in their lives, that might mean keeping a bit of distance at first, and letting them come to you. Sometimes being too in-their-face can be intimidating, so just be super aware of their reactions to your sympathetic tendencies and back off when necessary.
I’m no shrink, but given that their father died so suddenly, it makes sense to me that the older daughter would be horrified of losing her mom at any given second, too. The unimaginable actually happened! That’s terrifying. Plus, on top of that, her mom has a new boyfriend. She’s gotta be all sorts of angry and confused — whether the fear is of her mom dying now, too, or just leaving her for the new guy in the picture.
I might suggest to your girlfriend that the 9-year-old begin seeing a child psychologist if she isn’t already. As admirable as it is for you to be so concerned, it’s not really your place, nor do you really have the expertise to help her through it properly. She needs to work through it on her own, with an unbiased ear. If things with you and her mom work out, though, there will come a day when she’ll thank you for it. Even if all you did was suggest that she get some help. Good luck!
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