OLD VS. NEW: Larry Hagman (l-r) and Patrick Duffy are back, joined by Josh Henderson and Jesse Metcalfe. (AP)
Resistance is futile. No, seriously.
Tonight, the show that invented nighttime soaps,“Dallas,” returns after a small hiatus. Like for 21 years.
Not to sound like a junk food commercial, but the new recipe is cheesier than ever!
The new “Dallas” is more ridiculous, campier, more preposterous and so totally over the top that it’s skirting insanity. And those are only a few of the reasons to love this show.
Another big reason, of course, is that instead of reinventing the rig, the producers decided to grease the old girl up, give her a good tune-up and get her back up with the old operators still pulling the levers. But they are, of course, accompanied by young, sexy things looking (of course, again) to knock the geezers off so they can reinvent the rig.
Back in the saddle (stop with the metaphors already!) is Linda Gray as Sue Ellen — and thank you, God — Larry Hagman as JR — older, meaner and more manipulative than ever. Then there’s Patrick Duffy, who has somehow in the intervening years turned into RFK Jr.’s clone, as Bobby Ewing.
Because no soap can succeed without young, hot, sex-crazed gorgeous evil characters who fight the young, hot, sex-crazed gorgeous (seemingly) good ones, those, too, are in ripe abundance.
Since everyone more or less shares the same gene pool, things can get complicated.
Therefore, if they need to have sex, we find that they are really adopted.
The good, the bad, and the never-ugly younguns here include J.R.’s son, John Ross (Josh Henderson), Bobby’s adopted son, Christopher ( Jesse Metcalfe), the beautiful and brilliant scientist/tech geek Elena (Jordana Brewster), who grew up almost Ewing, but not really, so she gets involved with both cousins. Then, there’s Rebecca Sutter (Julie Gonzalo), Christopher’s new wife.
When the show opens, we learn that J.R. is in a nursing home suffering from clinical depression. He may be the only person in the world so depressed that he’s basically comatose, and apparently hasn’t spoken for years.
And Bobby? Cancer, and a rare form at that.
This means that he must decide what to do with Southfork, the family ranch. He’s contemplating selling it to a conservancy to ensure that his mother’s wish that Southfork never be used for drilling or exploitation is assured.
I mean, the two older brothers are dying. Or are they? But all these guys need to be cured is a good Ewing fight for the ranch.
That happens when John Ross, (I wish they’d call him J.R., Jr.) strikes oil on the land. The fact that he has a giant rig, machinery and crew and his uncle Bobby who lives there never notices is, you might think, preposterous. But why be picky about giant plot points? .
Good son Christopher, meanwhile, is working on alternative energy sources. Too bad his undersea methane mining operation has caused an earthquake in Japan, but the Japanese, fortunately don’t notice.
It’s good to be Ewing.