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It’s the pool boy’s revenge!
It’s no holds barred for a Hamptons gofer who uses Twitter to skewer the spoiled rich soccer moms and financial fat cats he services every day.
East Hampton native Joe Schwenk — who lobs his 140-character bombs using the Twitter handle @HamptonsBorn — mocks the exclusive summer crowd for everything from their sex secrets to their inability to tie up their boats.
Schwenk earns his front-row seat to the blue-blood Animal House by mowing lawns, fixing air conditioners — and sometimes even mixing it up with the hot wives and gal pals that keep the shore sizzling.
“Just got $1000 from a Greek guy who rented a big ass house on Dune Rd. He said make sure everything works. I’m looking at his GF in her robe,” he posted in May.
And in January, he posted, “Taking it in for service, I just found a vibrator in the front seat of Ms. K’s Mercedes convertible. Had a Marvin Gaye CD in the radio too.”
But giving people a glimpse into the Hamptons world has its pitfalls — six months after that Mercedes tweet, Schwenk lost his client’s business.
“Lost two customers. I totally forgot about some of those early tweets . . . #itsaneckmessagernotavibrator.”
Schwenk, whose identity couldn’t be confirmed and who declined interview requests, also claims to have a billionaire’s son on his payroll.
“First day on job for billionaire’s son (post-rehab). He’s digging French drains. Dad pays him $20/hr & pays me $20/hr to let him work for us,” he wrote Thursday.
One Schwenk pet peeve is how his clients seem happy to blow their piles of money on silly luxuries.
“Hamptons Request: Buy 50 red cashmere sweaters in MED for Mr. M’s beach clam bake on Fri. in case of chill. Used Polo.Com & FedEx. Took 5 min,” Schwenk tweeted — then pointed out that the sweaters cost more than his brother’s wedding.
Schwenk also manages to find absurd situations in his day-to-day duties.
“Hamptons Request of the Day: Drive a poodle back to NYC while owners catch a copter ride w/rich friends. Sorry Muffy, they got a better deal!” he tweeted recently.
In an interview with NYMag.com, Scwhenk revealed he is in his mid-thirties and works with his brother and two others to “help the rich and helpless transition from concrete to grass.”
While he may love to complain about his rich clients, his tweets do make his hometown sound like a lot of fun.
“I love women who paddle board topless. Makes me happy to be in Sag Harbor today,” he tweeted.
Meet ‘Joe Schwenk’
June 9 Hamptons Request:Go w/MrB’s party planner to Pier1 & buy $9k of “disposable furniture” for kid’s tented afterprom party. Donate stuff on Mon
June 5 The louder the woman, the smaller her dog. #itsnotadogitsarat
June 2 Saving a boat that broke free from a mooring. Name of boat “just watch me.” Should be “just watch me sink”. Hedgies:pls learn to make a knot
May 29 Hamptons Request of Day: Buy 10 electric kid’s dirt bikes & make a 1/2 acre temp dirt track in Hedgie’s back yard for 10th bday party ($23k)
Sept. 16, 2010 Still getting end of season tips . . . Why is it that customers of modest means give me $500/avg. and billionaires send me smoked hams by mail?
July 28, 2010 Christie Brinkley is selling her house in Sag harbor. I used to mow her lawn. Nice lady. Cleaned her pool once too when Bob was hungover.
June 8 Billionaire Jeff Greene: We’re still not going to let you block our waterway with your yacht Summerwind this season. Just a friendly warning
May 9, 2011 Hamptons Request: Put Mr.M’s forgotten blackberry on chopper to city even though I can put it on Jitney and it will arrive 2hrs later for $40