Opinion

To fix the budget, call in a vigilante

The supercommittee was super useless at cutting spending, surprising pretty much no one. Sometimes I think we just don’t take this deficit thing very seriously.

We talk grimly about leaving all that debt to our children, but I don’t think many of us fully realize how horrible it would be. We probably have in the back of our minds: “Children today receive much more expensive educations than we did, so they’ll be better able to figure things out.”

But when it’s up to our children and our children’s children to cut spending, guess what they’ll conclude? “Hey, here’s a great way to reduce costs: Take all those old people who left us trillions and trillions in debt and throw them out in the street.”

And we’ll scream, “How can you be so callous toward your own family!”

To which they’ll reply, “We learned it by watching you
!

It hurts because it’s true.

So, really, we must cut the deficit for our survival. But how can we do it? I think I have the only workable plan: a masked vigilante.

We’ve tried all the “reasonable” ideas, like partisan standoffs and bipartisan supercommittees, and they haven’t even come close to real cuts. So it’s time for ridiculous ideas, because that’s all we have left.

And this one will work.

What’s the biggest factor that ensured the supercommittee would fail?

Accountability.

Usually, we like that in government, but here it works against us. If politicians truly cut spending, certain constituencies will get really mad at those responsible. So we’re asking Congress to choose between being responsible with other people’s money and keeping their jobs. We’re asking them to sacrifice themselves for the greater good, which flies in the face of history and everything we know about politicians.

The solution? Masks. We need someone who is unaccountable to make all the nasty cuts and keep things out of Congress’ hands. So while Congress is again squabbling over the budget, a masked man — the Phantom Balancer — will break in and steal it. (For this to work, we must pretend the budget can be stolen.)

Then he’ll broadcast from his secret underground lair all the cuts he’ll be making. And we’ll be powerless to stop him because of some arcane constitutional rule we’ll claim exists. (Luckily, no one actually reads the Constitution past the Commerce Clause.)

Everyone will be angry at the Phantom Balancer for his harsh cuts to programs and entitlements, but they won’t blame Congress, which will vow to have a massive manhunt to find the balanced-budget vigilante and stop him.

It will be a bit like the end of “The Dark Knight,” when Batman takes all the blame so the city can keep its honor. Of course, Congress has no honor to preserve, but its members will get to keep their jobs.

Sound ridiculous? Well, what’s your solution for getting Congress to make the painful cuts necessary to balance the budget?

That’s right — you don’t have one. So masked vigilante it is. Either that, or one day our children will throw us out and we won’t be able to stop them because we’ll be old and weak and they’ll probably have robots by then.

Political satirist Frank J. Fleming’s e-book, “Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything,” is out from HarperCollins.