Many people don’t understand why taxing the rich leads to a better economy, even with someone as savvy as President Obama pushing the idea.
You could just look to the 1990s: Taxes on the rich were higher, and the economy was booming. That’s a pretty strong correlation — and as they say in scientific circles, “Correlation is sorta like causation.”
But to see why taxing the rich boosts the economy, remember the story of the goose that laid the golden eggs.
A farmer had a goose that laid a golden egg once a day, until he tried cutting the goose open to get all the gold at once and ended up with no more golden eggs. Similarly, rich people lay golden eggs of jobs and tax revenue each year — and, as tempting as it is to just cut rich people open and confiscate all their wealth, it’s not really a good idea. That would be killing the goose that lays the golden eggs.
But suppose, instead of killing the goose because you’re unsatisfied with its golden egg output, you just punched it really hard in the face. That’s perfectly fine; it won’t stop future egg production. But it does let the goose know who is boss. Plus it relieves stress.
And it just makes everyone feel better to see that stuck-up goose who thinks she’s better than everyone get a good whack in her stupid goose face.
In a struggling economy, that’s what people need to see happen to the rich. Call it the “Goose Punch” theory of economics.
Right now, people are depressed. The poor state of the economy is a good part of the reason, but so is knowing that rich people aren’t suffering. When the rest of us see bad things happen to wealthier folks, our spirits will be lifted.
And that’s what raising taxes on the rich is for. It’s not about revenue; it’s just a good punch to their faces so everything seems right in the world.
Say a rich person expects to have $10 million after taxes. But he checks his finances and has only $9.54 million because the Bush tax cuts expired. Just think of the sadness and disappointment on his face!
And so, with shouts of “Take that, Richie Rich!” our country’s spirit will be renewed.
Or say a wealthy person plans to fly on his company’s corporate jet. Now imagine his agony when, due to higher taxes, he instead has to fly first class on someone else’s schedule like a schlub. Seeing someone so wealthy in pain will motivate everyone to work harder (unless they were working to build corporate jets, but you have to break a few eggs to inconvenience rich people).
See, that’s what our struggling country needs right now: the suffering of rich people. Seeing their sadness will get our country back to work, and we’ll have a new economy where all boats are lifted on a tide made of rich people’s tears.
They’re our golden goose, and a golden goose exists for only two things: to give us golden eggs when we demand them, and to get smacked around when we feel angry about anything. And what’s it going to do? It’s just going to sit there and take it and keep laying our eggs.
Wait. Geese can’t fly, right?
Political satirist Frank J. Fleming’s e-book, “Obama: The Greatest President in the History of Everything,” is out from HarperCollins.