That certainly was a great shot FOX had of 49ers tight end Vernon Davis, tears smearing his eye-black as he came off the field Saturday night, having caught the winning touchdown pass.
But I had Davis beaten by two hours. By halftime, I fell apart, bawling my eyes out, begging for Moose Johnston to, “Stop, please stop!” Even if only after just one play, one incomplete pass; Moosey, stop talking!
Significantly, though, the game’s big winner was The Game. It was such a grabber, not even Johnston could kill it. It was Moose-proof. Or as reader David Distefano calls him, Daryl “Mute” Johnston.
Why can’t FOX, better very late than never, insist Johnston give fewer, shorter speeches? Wish I knew. Wish I knew why all networks’ preferred analysts now talk (and talk) as if to dare us to stick. But, as Walter Cronkite would say, “That’s the way it is.”
Johnston, week after week, season after season, is a load-bearing bear of a load. He’d cause blank looks among Navajo code-talkers.
At the top, he teased us with this spot-on prediction:
“This is going to be a great game to watch.” OK, then let us watch! Why turn TV into talk radio?
Johnston speaks several languages in several dialects — at once. He speaks ESPN-ese, chalk-talk, Neo-Gridiron Gibberish and North American Duh.
Saturday, not only did he frequently suggest “Someone has to make a play,” he later expanded to “make a positive play.” Naturally, being handed or thrown the ball constituted “a touch,” and he effortlessly spoke the substitute for the simple term, fumble, as “putting the ball on the ground.”
His stamina was remarkable. By the third quarter, when most blabbermouths would be spent (or escorted out by security), he wasn’t half-done.
After Drew Brees scrambled to throw long and incomplete, Johnston marveled at the 49ers secondary personnel for sticking with their assigned receivers “step by step.” Why wouldn’t they?
Later, after 49ers defensive back Carlos Rogers broke up a pass, Johnston said Rogers is “generating some interceptions, this year, which he struggled with throughout his career.” Generating some interceptions?
Moments later, with the 49ers offense gone flat, he might have said nothing — it was self-evident — or he might have said it’s time to move the ball, get some first downs. But Johnston went with, “They have to try to establish a rhythm.” Then twice more said it was time for the 49ers to establish “a rhythm.”
All right, then, all snaps on three. Hit it, Maestro: A-one, anna-two, anna-three!
But try as Johnston did, he couldn’t kill a good game. Vernon Davis, you weren’t the only one to stick with it to the end. Group hug!
Barkley bit was worth the weight
Frank Caliendo’s Charles Barkley Weight Watchers goof before Giants-Packers was awesome. Tube it.
CBS’ Dan Dierdorf on Houston’s improved defense: “When you did a Texans game last year, ‘shoddy’ was the word that came to mind — at least one of them.” Funny. But, DD, don’t just tell us Ravens offensive tackle Bryant McKinnie “is one of the biggest men in the NFL,” then drop it. Tell us: He’s 6-foot-8, 350.
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Broncs-Patriots. Referee Gene Steratore calls a late hit on Denver’s “No. 68 [guard Zane Beadles], after the play.” Three times CBS shows tape of the previous play, in search of the foul. Three times the tape ends with the end of the play. Steratore distinctly said, “after the play.”
ESPN play-by-player M
ark Jones, during Oklahoma State-Baylor on Saturday, referred to Markel Brown as OSU’s “Swiss Army knife, does so many different things.” Nice!
* Those were the Rutgers Scarlet Knights Saturday on SNY, in their black Nike basketball uniforms, same as RU football. Just like its football team, Oregon’s basketball team, wore Nike black Saturday on CBS. Oregon’s colors are green and yellow — but only for 100 years.
As seen again Saturday, in ’80s Maryland star Adrian Branch, ESPN has a basketball studio man who’s relaxed, engaging and apparently paying attention. Time to give him a push?
Dwight Howard on Thursday was 21-of-39 from the foul line — ! — residual of a failed plan by the undersized, undermanned Warriors. Also astonishing was the game, 74 free throws — ! — ran only 2:38.
Sure hope FAN didn’t lose that early season tape of Mike Francesa expertly stating Alex Smith doesn’t have the stuff to win the big games.
In the NFL, numbers don’t always add up
TV continues to make baseball out of football. FOX’s Kenny Albert, during Saints-49ers, was the last of many last week to say, “The Saints offense averaged 34 points.”
No, it didn’t. Its defense, which scored three TDs, had plenty to do with it. Nearly every play in football is connected, yet the media ask us to think of every possession as the start of a new half-inning, same spot, no one out, no one on, no count on the batter.
And CBS yesterday sustained its stupid graphics habit: “T.J. Yates only rookie QB drafted 5th round or later to win a playoff game.” How many who fit that description were eligible?
* For all the basketball ESPN shows, you’d think, 30 years in, it would know how to show it.
In Florida State’s blowout of North Carolina on Saturday, Florida State pressured the inbounds pass after scoring. But rather than recognizing that and sticking with the play, the director called for close-ups of the scorer, bench, crowd.
Another no-look formula shoot that could have been directed by your sister-in-law while having her nails wrapped.
* Football, 2012: Early in Broncos-Patriots, Tom Brady was calling his offense to line up, no huddle. But tight end Aaron Hernandez, after a long run, was past the line of scrimmage, busy throwing kisses to the crowd.
You smell a sandwich? Was the Lions’ recidivist dirty guy and Subway ad star Ndamukong Suh, CBS’ studio guest, yesterday, chosen for any reason other than Subway is a primary studio show sponsor? Follow the money!
How good can the replay rule be if Mike Pereira’s guess is as good or as bad as anyone else’s?
* As heard again, yesterday during Giants-Packers, FOX’s Joe Buck is a QB passer ratings adherent. Cool. Next week, Joe, explain them. Dare ya.
The only defensive coordinator worthy of repeated TV focus this season was Rob Ryan? Over the weekend, the playoff teams’ defensive coordinators were mostly ignored.