What if Jesus were the handsomest dude to have ever walked on water? What if Noah had a Scottish brogue — and what if the Virgin Mary got shoved around by a crowd, only to be rescued by Joseph?
And ponder this possibility: could Lot’s family actually have been saved by a martial arts angel — as opposed to merely being “Touched By An Angel?
Welcome to “The Bible” as seen through the eyes of “Angel’s” Roma Downey, and her husband, Mark Burnett , the genius behind “Survivor” and “The Apprentice.”
This staunchly Christian couple has created a 10-part series that opens with Noah in the ark telling his family the story of Adam and Eve as they and the animals are being rocked by savage seas.
“The Bible” then goes into fast-forward mode through Noah and Genesis, all in Episode One, so we can get to the juicy bits in the other episodes.
We’re then treated, in slow-motion, to the travails of Abraham and the Israelites in the desert; the revelations by teenage Moses; and the parting of the Red Sea, which is better than Cecil B. DeMille’s parting, although in all fairness, CBD didn’t have the miracle of CGI.
Much of this is tediously drawn out, with crazy fly-overs between Biblical Chapters that may make you think it’s “Survivor: Holy Lands,” which, of course, it is.
After all, those Biblical figures did live on forever through The Bible after being brought before their own tribal councils.
Things really pick up when Jesus — played by Portuguese actor Diogo Morgado, who looks like a surfer dude, particularly in the shot-from-below, walk-on-water sequence — shows up. Morgado is very good in the part, although he sure doesn’t look the part.
Most of the other roles are taken by Brits (who look nothing like their roles since they look nothing like Middle Easterners).
The main exception to the Brit rule is Downey, who got the plumb role of the Virgin Mary. Of course she’s a producer of “The Bible” who’s married to the other producer, so it’s not likely she’d end up in the secondary role of Lot’s salty wife.
Since the last two episodes (the crucifixion and resurrection) hadn’t been edited by screening time, it’s impossible to say how good they are, but the trailers look very good.
Will this series be a hit? You bet. There are millions of devout Jews and Christians starving for religious programming in the er, desert of sex and violence on TV.
Not that the real Bible isn’t filled with plenty of both.
Difference is, you can’t make this stuff up.