The comic writer behind Iron Man, Thor and The Defenders, Matt Fraction, shared his own experience with depression in a response to a suicidal fan.
An anonymous Tumblr user wrote to Fraction asking whether suicide could be a “an alternative” to depression.
“There are things to look forward to,” the Tumblr user wrote. “There will be more pain but also more laughter. But what if I’m not interested?”
After immediately recommending that the Tumblr user get help Fraction shared with his fan his own experience with depression and suicide.
“I’d tell you something I don’t even think my wife knows,” he wrote.
“This happened years before we met – shit, more than a decade – and it’s not the first time I came close to suicide was on a thanksgiving night. i’d eaten well and then as the house shut down I went into the bathroom, drew a bath as hot as I could manage to stand, and climbed into the tub with a razor blade.
“As I started to cut, as the corner touched my skin and that jolt of pain fired into my head, I stopped and thought – y’know, last chance. Are you SURE?
“And I was tired. I sounded like you, that I knew there’d be ups again and downs but i was just so f***ing TIRED i couldn’t stand the thought of having to get there. I felt this … this never-ending crush of days that were grey and tepid but for some reason I was supposed to greet each one with a smile. the constant pressure of having to keep my shit in all the time was just exhausting.
“I wondered, then – well, is there anything you’re curious about. Anything you want to see play out. And I thought of a comic I was reading and i’d not figured out the end of the current storyline. And I realized I had curiosity. And that was the hook i’d hang my hat on. that by wanting to see how something played out I wasn’t really ready. That little sprout of a thing poking up through all that black earth kept me around a little longer.
“I’d realized then that it had been so long since I’d laughed.
“I was numbed out and shut down and just … I missed laughing. maybe if I laughed a little I could get moving again. so i’d wait for my comic to conclude, try to find a few laughs, and then re-evaluate.”
You can read the letter in its entirety here.
This story originally appeared on News.com.au.