‘Graceland” — a new, trite and pretty awful scripted formulaic cop show — is supposedly based on a real-life story. But right out of the box it feels more like a reality show than real life. We’re talking a penthouse filled with good looking people and all!
If you were hoping for Elvis impersonators and Memphis, put your hopes and dreams away and think instead “Baywatch” meets “Covert Affairs.” Anyway, in this series, several ridiculous, model-looking federal agents from different agencies share — yes! — a beach-front penthouse in California. But that penthouse is really an undercover operation, see, and like, they are really an elite force, of like, gorgeous toughies who can stuff a wild bikini, shoot the curls, shoot bad guys or even shoot heroin when necessary.
This basically unwatchable nonsense by “White Collar” creator Jeff Easton is being hailed as “darker” than the usual USA cop drama. Really? It’s so colorful it looks like a Douglas Sirk movie.
Tonight it’s all about introducing us to the gorgeous agents, particularlary the new guy — who is brought in to replace the unreplaceable guy who was shot in the line of duty (and in the arm) while shooting up. The newbie in the glass-walled penthouse is FBI rookie Mike Warren (Aaron Tveit), fresh out of the Academy, who’s immediately thrown into his first undercover assignment — which involves Mexican drug dealers who speak like Cheech and Chong and Russian mobsters who sound like Mexican drug dealers.
Into the mix are thrown Mike’s new roommates, including the “legendary” FBI agent Paul Briggs (Daniel Sunjata), who looks to be the same age as Mike but is already a legend. “Charlie” DeMarco (Vanessa Ferlito) is the cliched tough girl/street-smart FBI agent; Dale Jakes (Brandon Jay McLaren) is the cliched US Customs agent; and there’s the tough, cliched DEA Agent named Paige Arkin (Serinda Swan). It’s topped off by the cliched comic relief character, FBI agent “Johnny” Tuturro (Manny Montana).
Between surfing, nighttime beach parties and ridiculous tough talk, newbie Mike gets involved in taking down the Russian mob on his first day on the job and then dealing with his FBI Academy mentor — who finally tells him why exactly he was assigned to the beach house instead of the White House. The dialogue is cringe-worthy, with Mexicans saying things like, “I waz gonna say my family’s messed up but yours in loco!” What?
How about, “Her pimp calls her ‘Low Rider’ because you pull the string on her panties and her ass starts bouncing up and down like it’s on hydraulics.” Oy, as they say in the Mexican drug cartels.
There is nothing new — almost. I mean, it is rare to see “Hot Bikini Girl” in the cast credits for a show about federal agents. Right?