Lou Lumenick

Lou Lumenick

Entertainment

WTF! Beyond sketchy

”This will be ‘Howard the Duck’ for the 21st century,’’ promises the deranged screenwriter (Dennis Quaid) whose very crude sexual ravings provide a tenuous link between the brutally unfunny sketches that comprise “Movie 43.’’

Well, if you mashed-up the worst parts of the infamous “Howard the Duck,’’ “Gigli,’’ “Ishtar’’ and every other awful movie I’ve seen since I started reviewing professionally in 1981, it wouldn’t begin to approach the sheer soul-sucking badness of the cringe-inducing “Movie 43,’’ which has been dumped on an unsuspecting public without advance press screenings.

Just to make it clear, this isn’t an “entertainingly” bad movie — halfway through the first sketch, I was seriously contemplating whether being waterboarded might be more fun than “Movie 43,’’ a sure bet for coaxing information from prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Peter Farrelly (who directed the actually funny raunchfest “There’s Something About Mary’’ with his brother Bobby) has recruited 11 other directors — including such bottom feeders as Brett Ratner — to join him in providing opportunities for some A-list stars (as well as B’s and C’s) to do the most humiliating work of their careers.

What exactly was Oscar winner Kate Winslet thinking when she agreed to appear in a sketch where her blind date (Oscar nominee Hugh Jackman) turns out to have testicles hanging from his neck?

Did real-life couple Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber really think spoofing home schooling by having her make out with her son while hubby comes on to him was actually funny?

Did someone blackmail Richard Gere to join Kate Bosworth and Jack McBrayer in a bit about the “iBabe,’’ a music player shaped like a full-sized naked woman that’s been mutilating teenage boys?

“I want to give you a hickey on your vagina,’’ Kieran Culkin tells girlfriend Emma Stone in another sketch. Elsewhere, Christopher Mintz-Plasse freaks out when classmate Chloë Moretz begins copiously menstruating for the first time . . . you get the idea.

This particular segment was directed by actress Elizabeth Banks, who turns up in a “bonus’’ segment amid the closing credits where she’s urinated upon by an animated cat — who has graphic sexual fantasies about her boyfriend Josh Duhamel.

“Once you see it, you can’t unsee it’’ is the advertising slogan for “Movie 43,’’ and, boy, is that true.

How I wish I could unsee Oscar-winner Halle Berry mashing guacamole with her breasts or Snooki Polizzi doing a reading from “Moby Dick.’’ Or Gerard Butler as a leprechaun being held captive by Seann William Scott.

Not to mention Batman (Jason Sudeikis), Robin (Justin Long), Lois Lane (Uma Thurman) and Superman (Bobby Cannavale) swapping filthy (but unfunny) quips during a speed-dating session.

You read that right folks, MINUS four stars.