In Harlem on 115th Street. between Fifth Avene and Lennox, Ann and Dina are examples of the new ‘Boomer Roomies.’ That is, people in their sixties who are fiercely independent and young at heart who are buddying up for the challenges of aging.
Dina Wilcox, 66, and Ann Fry, 67, have been sharing a two-bedroom, two-bathroom apartment for almost two years. They each have their work-from-home setup in their bedrooms, but share the rest of the space, and the rent, equally.
They met at a 10-week seminar on living an inventive life and became study buddies. Ann mentioned she was having to move out of her sublet. Having had a bout with cancer, she was having difficulty showing enough income to rent a place on her own. Dina had a flash of inspiration and chased her down the street with an exclusive offer to share.
“At first I thought it was a horrible idea,” laughs Ann. “I thought, ‘What has my life become, moving into someone’s spare bedroom? I’ll have to get rid of all my stuff.’ I said, ‘Thanks, but I’ll keep looking.’”
“And I said ‘Take your time,’” says Dina.
Dina is a widow who practiced law for 20 years upstate, moved back to the city in 2008 and is now a writer. She has a book out about the neuroscience of emotions for non-scientists, called “Why Do I Feel This Way: What Your Feelings Are Trying To Tell You.”
Ann is divorced and has a 35-year-old “starving artist” son in Austin, Texas. After a suburban life there and in Miami, she moved to New York City, alone, at age 60, for the adventure.
“I’m happy in the arrangement; I treasure our relationship,” says Ann. “We’ve been there for each other, we match each other in terms of our level of enlightenment, and we can talk each other through the good and the bad.”
She says it helps that the building is beautiful, modern and has a dishwasher.
“All the studies show that when people age, they get more isolated, and if they live in a social environment, they thrive, they have less illnesses and depression,” says Dina.
Their blog at seniorflatmates.com has the tagline “Two hetero women sharing adventures and space in NYC.”
“We want people to know it’s OK for straight people of the same sex to share a space without having to be concerned what other people think,” says Ann.
As Billy Crystal’s new memoir “Still Foolin’ ‘Em” shows, there are laughs in aging.
“Things seem to happen overnight. I had perfectly straight teeth, but now they’re shifting. In my second passport, I look like tobacco chewer,” says Dina.
They get marks on their bodies, and the hair suddenly thins. “For a lot of women our age, those are defining things. But not for me, not for us.”
“Boomer roomies is an option of caregiving,” says Judy Santamaria, an expert on aging and director of caregiver services with the Visiting Nurse Service of New York.
“It’s already happening in California and the Midwest where houses are bigger,” she says. “It can also take some of the burden off caregivers, particularly those with a long commute to check up on an aging parent. Caregivers have two great fears — seeing their loved ones in physical pain and in psychological pain.”
As part of the age-in-place boom, she has seen apartment towers in New York where elderly residents cluster on one floor and conveniently share the services of a home health aide.
“It’s like a dorm — they all come together to have coffee, and if one goes away, they water her plants.”
Santamaria says that kind of community care is natural in places like Washington Heights and Chinatown, but it’s starting to spread.
Back in Harlem, Dina says she has always lived “alone” — even when she was married — and finds it exciting to have a social life in her own home. Sometimes they talk, sometimes they text from room to room.
“If one of us wakes up in a grump, we can clear it up over breakfast.”
Ann adds, “We never run out of conversation, but there’s also never the feeling of having to be there. We get together because we want to.”
Last year, everything changed. A fairly vanilla roommate situation — long chats, occasional wine bar visits, overlapping social circles — deepened when the usually stoic Dina woke up feeling unwell after a book tour. Ann took her to the hospital and dealt with the admission. It turned out Dina had a dangerous infection and she spent four days in the hospital.
“It’s so amazing to have known Ann was there and I was safe, and that I wasn’t going to have to get on the subway and do it all for myself.”
A few years ago when Ann was undergoing chemo, she took cross-town bus trips for radiation therapy, alone, which left her wiped out. So she knew what was needed here: fetching groceries, home-cooked meals and a kind word.
“I liked it,” says Ann. “I have a maternal side to me, so when someone’s sick I’m there.”
They are aware that neither knows the future.
“One of us could fall in love with a man, or we might not be able to look after each other as we age more. But we’re trying to live in the present, while having a plan.”