Romance and food and have been partners in crime since Adam and Eve’s illicit apple. Since Lady and the Tramp’s slurped spaghetti. Since Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger’s fridge-side fondling.
Brian Wansink, food psychologist and author of “Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think,” says our dining decisions may indicate how we’re perceived by romantic partners.
In his years of research, Wansink has never witnessed a guy being turned off by a lady’s food picks. But, he says, “I have heard of many men being dumped because they asked to share dishes or because they ordered the ‘wrong’ thing, such as . . . steak tartare.”
Got that, guys? Women want your meat to be hot.
Husband-and-wife team Deborah Williamson and Bryan Calvert have hosted hundreds of dinner dates at their restaurant, James, in Prospect Heights. In the process, they’ve become connoisseurs of their patrons’ love lives.
“We worry about the couples that barely look at the menu, order quickly and depart in under an hour,” says Williamson.
Dining and dashing: It’s the new “I’ve got a headache.”
Your beverage choice can also indicate the liquidity of your love, according to Thomas Waugh, head bartender at Death & Co. Although, too many Valentine’s cocktails may have you looking through “love googles.”
“The ratio of cocktail intake to romantic feelings is directly correlated,” he says.
And chef Duff Goldman, star of the Food Network’s “Ace of Cakes,” says a romantic dessert is literally the icing on the date.
“If you order something really decadent at the end of the date, you’ve already compromised once,” he says. “So it’s a lot easier to do it again.”
So what does your Valentine’s Day meal say about your love life? Here, three foodies play culinary cupids.
ICE BOX
COCKTAILS
I’ll have a . . . shot or beer
TRANSLATION
I need liquid courage to look at you…or we’re a match brewed in heaven.
EXPERT SAYS
“Whoever thinks it’s a good idea to do shots on a date should be punished. And a beer, unless it’s a Flemish lambic, usually means you’re insecure.”
ENTREES
I’ll have the . . . low-cal salad
TRANSLATION
When you hug me, does it make me look fat?
EXPERT SAYS
“Sex tonight? I’d rather do sit-ups.”
DESSERTS
I’ll have the . . . fruit or sorbet
TRANSLATION
I’m wearing flannel to bed tonight.
EXPERT SAYS
“If you’re not willing to go for it on Valentine’s Day, then man, hope there’s a sale on Viagra.”
ROCKY ROAD
COCKTAILS
I’ll have the . . . appletini
TRANSLATION
You had me at hello. Back in 1995.
EXPERT SAYS
“YouTube ‘Girl Drink Drunk.’ [A classic ‘Kids in the Hall’ sketch on the perils of girly cocktails.]
That’s all I will say on this matter.”
ENTREES
I’ll have the . . . sweet breads
TRANSLATION
I get turned on by body parts — human and animal.
EXPERT SAYS
“Trying too hard to impress each other.”
DESSERTS
I’ll have the . . . fried doughnut holes
TRANSLATION
Are you familiar with the phrase, ‘reverse cowboy’?
EXPERT SAYS
“There’s something to be said for trendy desserts — you’re open to trying cool, new things. Hopefully the other person will go along with it.”
LOVE ME TENDER
COCKTAILS
I’ll have the . . . $150 bottle of wine
TRANSLATION
I would sell my soul to impress you. (And no, America, I’m not giving back my bonus.)
EXPERT SAYS
“Most seasoned wine drinkers know it doesn’t take hundreds of dollars to choose a satisfying bottle of wine. Those who do are just showing off.”
ENTREES
I’ll have the . . . prix fixe menu
TRANSLATION
Prenup, baby!
EXPERT SAYS
“Indecisive or perfunctory. Hopefully their love life is more inspired than their dinner order.”
DESSERTS
I’ll have the . . . chocolate cake
TRANSLATION
I love you. But I love myself a little bit more.
EXPERT SAYS
“Chocolate actually triggers the same neurons as an orgasm. So if you’re out with a girl and she’s going for chocolate, she’s saying, ‘I can take care of myself.’ ”
SIZZLING
I’ll have the . . . nonalcoholic drink
TRANSLATION
You intoxicate me.
EXPERT SAYS
“Drinking heavily signals nervousness or dread, whereas lighter or nondrinkers usually exude confidence.”
ENTREES
I’ll have the . . . whole lobster
TRANSLATION
I’m willing to abuse my expense account to make you happy.
EXPERT SAYS
“They’ll spoil each other.”
DESSERTS
I’ll have the . . . apple pie À la mode
TRANSLATION
I will never have sex with anyone but you.
EXPERT SAYS
“Apple pie is the missionary position of desserts.”
FLAMBE
COCKTAILS
I’ll have the . . . old-fashioned
TRANSLATION
I like my lovers like I like my bourbon — finely aged with a little bit of sugar.
EXPERT SAYS
“The sexiest of all mixed drinks. The couple who can agree this is the best drink ever wins king and queen of prom.”
ENTREES
I’ll have the . . . rib-eye steak
TRANSLATION
99 percent USDA-approved true love.
EXPERT SAYS
“Traditionalist”
DESSERTS
I’ll have the . . . crème brulée
TRANSLATION
I would like to burn your cream for the rest of my life.
EXPERT SAYS
“The best people to fool around with are the people who are completely unselfconscious about decadent food.”