Hondo interrupted his run of sub .500 performances with an 8-7 outing in Week 4 that moved him ever so close to an escape from the Bettor’s Guide basement.
Mr. Aitch is absolutely certain he will accomplish that and more in Week 5, and that isn’t based on mere swagger and false bravado — word is Antrel Rolle has predicted Hondo will win at least 13 games this week.
Giants over Eagles: This pick is part Law of Averages, part the Eagles’ overpaid college coach is in way over his head, and part unwavering belief in Rolle’s herbally fortified predictive powers.
Justin Tuck, who has one-half sack in four games, has threatened a “punch in the mouth” for any Giant who turns on Tom Coughlin. Hondo is betting Tuck’s teammates aren’t all that afraid of Mr. Half-Sack.
Big Blue’s virginal safety Prince Amukamara guesses that getting that first one after four straight losses will be like having a bowl of cherries.
Titans over Chiefs: In Bill Clinton’s recent patty-cake session with former aide George Snuffleupagus of ABC, he talked about the five lessons he learned from Hillary’s 2008 campaign. There wasn’t time for him to delve into his sixth lesson, which is: If you put the prickly pantsuit up against a likable foe, she has no shot.
Dolphins over Ravens: NBC execs reportedly bowed to political pressure when they canceled the miniseries about Hillary. That no doubt was part of it, but word is they also couldn’t find a stunt person who could dodge sniper fire in a double-wide woolen pantsuit. All those who auditioned slowed down in the double-wide, unlike Hillary, who puts it on and gets faster.
Rams over Jaguars: Bill O’Reilly, author of “Killing Lincoln,” “Killing Kennedy” and “Killing Jesus,” is working on a book that will be a week-by-week account of an NFL franchise this season that will be titled: “Killing the Jaguars.”
Bengals over Patriots: John Kerry has been fitted for a custom iPhone that will help him better conduct negotiations with foreign leaders. It is equipped with Long FaceTime, which enables his counterparts to see the entire length of his mug.
Colts over Seahawks: According to the latest U.S. News rankings, prestigious Stuyvesant High School, which was tainted by a cheating scandal, has plummeted to No. 8 in the state. Stuy High administrators, in a desperate attempt to improve their status, have extended open invitations to the mag’s rankers for weekly visits on “Slutty Wednesday.”
Lions over Packers: For those worried about the effects of the government shutdown, rest assured the important functions will continue unabated. The NSA will continue to monitor your emails and phone calls, the White House team of liars will continue to fabricate as needed, the Justice Department will continue to harass journalists, and the IRS will continue to target Obama’s enemies.
Speaking of the shutdown, BarkingMut of SoBe (where everyone has some skin in the game, he says) writes: Mike Shanahan, frustrated with the Redskins’ horrendous pass defense, says the only shutdown corner in Washington is the intersection at the U.S. Capitol.
Bears over Saints: Navy Captain Daniel Dusek was removed from his ship because of his suspected involvement in a prostitution scandal. Don’t worry about Dusek. Even if his Navy career is finished, chances are he will be able to find work at the Secrete Service.
Cardinals over Panthers: ’Crats mayoral candidate Bill de Blasio’s anti-stop-and-frisk position has caused some to suggest he will be “de blasé” on crime. The admirer of Fidel and the Sandinistas counters by claiming he not only will drop the hammer on the perps, but the sickle, too.
Chargers over Raiders: Rick Pitino, lamenting the influence of social media on today’s youth, said in a CBS interview: “You go to a dinner table and everyone takes out their phone.” Well, that’s better than what Rick took out that fateful night at a Louisville restaurant.
Broncos over Cowboys: Pitino is on a book tour to promote “The One-Day Contract,” which tells how to achieve your goals by giving each day your all. HondoNation correspondent William DiMarco presumes there’s a chapter that explains the 15-second, off-the-menu, on-the-table activity.
Texans over 49ers: Anthony “Ridiculous Bulge” Weiner reportedly is considering a career in media, although he is not buying the adage about the pen being mightier than his sword. Possible titles for A-Wad’s show include: “Up All Night,” “The Weiner Show,” “Hard News,” and “Meet the Putz.”
Falcons over Jets: Rex Ryan was considering having Geno Smith wear a color-coded wristband to help limit his turnovers. How does that work exactly? Smith goes back to pass, and checks his wrist, which reads, “Do not fumble or throw an interception!” With 11 turnovers in four games, it couldn’t hurt.
BarkingMut claims Rex Ryan is furious that under ObamaCare, the daily sessions with his podiatrist he so looks forward to no longer will be covered.
WRs Santonio Holmes and Stephen Hill likely are out, but Gang Green is getting back RB Mike Goodson, who’s better on grass but is expected to provide an added weapon.
BEST BETS: Cardinals, Broncos, Falcons.
THURSDAY NIGHT: Bills.