Sports

ESPN gives attention to those in need

The problem is that there are now more good questions than good answers. Why, for example, does so much worth singing about occur on or near water?

Down by the Old Mill Stream, up a lazy river (which is down by the old mill stream), on Moonlight Bay, at Indian Lake, somewhere beyond the sea, splish-splash I was takin’ a bath, up on Cripple Creek. And what better place to shoot your baby than down by the river?

Even Puff the Magic Dragon had waterfront property. It’s unfathomable (heh, heh).

And why do those who call the shots for sports TV presume that everyone worthy of TV’s solicitude is a slobbering dimwit, a schlep with the sensitivities and sensibilities of the slowest common odometer?

To that end, another question: What, for the last 20 years, has been the most annoying element of watching Cowboys’ games — almost weekly — on national TV?

It’s those endless cutaways to show attention-starved Jerry Jones holding court in an owner’s box or, come the fourth quarter, immodestly intruding on the sidelines. Right?

If TV covered games as well as it covers Jones, I’d turn in my flay [sic] book, head to a cottage on — you know it — Golden Pond.

So last week, ESPN releases a release to proudly release that its new Monday Night Football ad campaign will star Jerry Jones.

Great idea! We need more Jerry Jones like we need a green flies hatchery.

Yet, not only will ESPN further compromise what little journalistic credibility it chooses to maintain, Jones is certainly the kind of person who a sports network should assiduously, honestly cover — as opposed to joining in bed.

But, again, and as always, ESPN will reward the kind of “sportsman” who is antithetical to sports. And it’s apparently no coincidence that Wieden and Kennedy, longtime purveyor of Nike “attitude” and Nike’s bad-is-good garbage, will handle this ad campaign for ESPN.

Then, down by the Atlantic Ocean, there was this year’s PGA Championship, another “more is much too much’’ TV endeavor, one that seemed predicated on annoying viewers who know the difference between standard stupid and mute button.

Friday, with the wind up at Kiawah, TNT/CBS analyst Ian Baker-Finch wondered aloud how this would affect — guess who? — Tiger Woods, (another chap ESPN should be covering instead of having star in house ads).

Would the wind bother the other 150 players? Yes or no, it didn’t matter.

Saturday, with rain having suspended play, it was over to Golf Channel, where discussion — Frank Nobilo, Brandel Chamblee — quickly turned to how the delay will affect and should greatly benefit, yup, Tiger Woods.

Did it matter that Woods was six back, tied for 11th? Not a bit. Not any more than that Jerry Jones’s team last season went 8-8 and that he’s hardly in need of any further TV attention.

Friday, Woods was preparing to putt when CBS (on TNT) analyst Peter Kostis, said, “It’s one of those you have to match speed and line if you’re going to make it.”

Oh, one of those! Speed and line!

For crying out loud, they’re all like that! Doesn’t mater if it’s a putt for the PGA Championship at Kiawah Island or for a beer at Skunk Hollow, they’re all like that!

Yesterday morning, with the third round still far from finished, TNT host Ernie Johnson asked this of Baker-Finch:

“The question, though: Can anybody catch Rory McIlroy, who, at 22, won the U.S. Open . . . and now, at 23 and with a chance to win the PGA Championship and leading by three, going into the last 18?”

Ooo, ooo, pick me, pick me! I know the answer! Pick me! The answer is, yes! Gimme a cookie.

Although McIlroy was leading by three with 18 holes (actually, 27 for him) left, yes, someone — a bunch — could catch him. When did a three-stroke lead with 27, 18 or even six left become a lock?

Nothing changes. Yesterday, in the France-Sweden men’s team handball final, NBC demonstrated how long a shooter hung in the air by showing him on tape, jumping — in slow motion. If NBC had used a freeze frame, he’d still be up there.

Francesa’s Amazin’ eruption

Mike Francesa could use a vacation. Last week, he screamed over a caller who caught him, a caller who mentioned Francesa’s previous take on what R.A. Dickey’s future salary could become was very low.

Francesa erupted, shouting that his take came when, “Dickey hadn’t done anything! He had five wins! It was in June, before I went on vacation [in July]! It was in June! It was in June!”

On June 13 Dickey pitched a one-hitter to go to 10-1.

No worries. Francesa today will issue an on-air apology to Eric from Nutley. Cough, choke, cough. Hey, Macarena!

* More PGA: Nick Faldo, without trying, is funny. On CBS, Saturday, after Tiger Woods attacked a shot out of the rough with an ultra violent swing, Faldo, with genuine astonishment, said, “Was that necessary?” Nice job by TNT and Ernie Johnson, yesterday, memorializing Jim Huber, the thoughtful, intelligent, classy Turner Sports essayist — and PGA Championship regular — who in January died from leukemia, at 67.

Yesterday, CBS, bless its heart, twice allowed us to fully listen as ref Brad Gregory addressed Carl Pettersson — once, with very bad news: a two-shot penalty.

Of a low shot hit by Petterson, CBS’s David Feherty: “That’s gonna run like a toddler’s nose.” … Gary McCord, when Jim Nantz noted that CBS/TNT lost two tee-box microphones overnight to alligators: “It’s one of their food groups.”

* After the Bengals blocked a Jet punt, Friday, Ch. 2 analyst Greg Buttle twice called the Bengals’ kick-rush a “jail break.” Not fair. Most of the Bengals were out on bail.

* Although Ichiro Suzuki didn’t start, Saturday, J
ohn Sterling was forced to mention just that — before reading a tie-in ad for a Japanese beer.

* As the Jets begin their third season in PSL Stadium, there’s one thing they want to continue to make very clear: Still plenty of seats available! To think that five years ago there was a long waiting list.

* It has come to this: A 14-minute, live transmission delay from Mars of Curiosity rover coverage by NASA vs. a five-hour delay of Olympic coverage from London by NBC.