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In “Three Stooges” episodes, the end comes when the victims of their madness are led away by large men in long, white medical coats. Or when the corner drunk, having just seen more than he can take, gives his bottle one last, fond look, then tosses it into a garbage can.
But for us, it just keeps going.
Yankees TV play-by-play man Michael Kay this week concluded another season in which he often confused big league baseball for a fantasy league kind that apparently is played only in his head.
Or was it that Kay, stuck for talking points and by virtue of his high position, again figured that there was no need to distinguish common sense from nonsense, because, either way, we’re not sharp enough to know better?
Monday, during Red Sox-Yankees, Kay followed a chat about playoff variables with this:
“It’s also an interesting debate — and we don’t want to get your minds spinning — but do you even want to finish with the best record? You have to sit around and wonder where you’re going. You don’t even know what team you’re playing. You don’t know who to scout.”
That’s “an interesting debate”? For whom? First, you would need two nit-witted participants, then have to find at least one more fool willing to listen.
After a 162-game season during which every game is now logged and available for complete video inspection — not to mention reports from on-site scouts — teams are so reliant on games yet to be played that we should consider that they should consider not finishing with the best record?
If so, it would then become “an interesting debate” as to which game or games the Yankees intentionally would lose to Boston during the final series of the season!
For crying out loud, Kay throws every available stat at us — batting averages of lefties vs. righties in day games on the road, the All-Star break record of Karl the Kielbasa in the Sausage Races at Brewers’ games — yet he figures a team might not want to finish first so it can better scout opponents?
Sanctuary!
Over (or under) to “Monday Night Football” on ESPN, where analyst Jon Gruden (endlessly) speaks in only two tongues — Pigskin Latin or Neo-No Kidding.
During Bears-Cowboys, he told us that what he just saw on defense reminded him of “The old-fashioned Tampa 2.” Yeah, same here, the ol’ Tampa 2.
Not that Gruden can’t simplify matters. With Dallas, down 10-0, 20 seconds left in the half, ball at the Bears’ 11, he read for us the mind of the Cowboys’ coach: “I know Jason Garrett wants to put seven on the board.”
“Secondary containment on the edges”? What about the primary containment of our edges? Why shove us toward the brink?
Even MNF play-by-player Mike Tirico has abandoned plain English for Mayockian, spoken on NFL Network by Mike Mayock.
Tirico now speaks — for example, after a 4-yard gain Monday — in terms of “positive” and “negative yardage,” while suggesting someone has to “make a play.”
Anyway, thanks to reader Pete York, we were alerted to Vin Scully’s call of Tuesday’s Giants-Dodgers, bottom of the ninth, Dodgers down a run and needing to win to stay alive. Scully, 85 next month, played it thusly:
“Not a bad idea, unless necessary, for me to just shut up and let you enjoy the pictures, and above all, the roar of the crowd.”
“And to think,” York added, “24 hours ago I was with Jon Gruden on MNF.”
Odd, how nearly everyone salutes Scully as exceptional, but so few choose to be anything close. Is that a reflection on them or on their bosses?
After all, FOX now airs a flashy, computerized promo in which lead college football/basketball man Gus Johnson is sold for his pre-fab desire to scream at anything — until he explodes. In the promo, Johnson is seen and heard growing unhinged while calling the televised self-evident — a breakaway TD run.
At least, in this case, Johnson likely understood what he was hollering about. Not that it matters to FOX, but that’s often not the case.
Newton antics not so super
Help me. Why do pros take such extraordinary steps to appear foolish?
At Auburn, where he starred at quarterback to become the NFL’s first pick, Cam Newton didn’t act like a jerk on the field. As a pro? He’s all-in.
Sunday, after running for a Carolina TD, Newton did an extended, clearly rehearsed check-me-out dance, finishing with “I’m Superman” gestures that would’ve left him looking like a yutz even if Carolina wasn’t 1-2 and wasn’t losing to Atlanta.
Naturally, the NFL studio shows were eager to show him dancing, regardless. This Newton’s law of relativity is irrelevant.
With 2:26 left and Carolina up, 28-27, Newton ran for a first down then performed another me-dance.
Three plays later, Newton fumbled, the Falcons recovered, then, with 10 seconds left, won the game with a field goal.
So, while Carolina may now be 1-3 in large part due to Newton’s fumble — not to mention his poor play the game before against the Giants — he still won the prize as the dancingest, most self-impressed player.
* As the “Worldwide Leader In Sports,” ESPN takes that extra step to prove that’s just an expression. This week it reported that these Detroit Tigers are the first to win “back-to-back division titles since the 1934-35 Tigers.” There were no divisions until 1969. Those Tigers won the AL pennant!
* Gee, that Yankee Stadium garage — $35 to park on game days/nights — is going bust, can’t pay the nut on the deal. Hard to figure.
* Tough call coming for Yankees skipper Mike Francesa. He has to decide what to do with Phil Hughes during the postseason. Monday, talking about Sunday’s Yankees-Blue Jays game, Francesa said, “I wasn’t happy with his performance.”
* Check out TBS analyst Joe Simpson during the Reds-Giants series. The ex-big leaguer, a longtime Braves’ TV man, shows up prepared and alert without delivering lectures. Breezy and easy, he’s a stranger you would hope to have seated beside you at a game.
* There’s 9:30 left in the third quarter, it’s 10-3, Eagles over Giants in Philly. And it’s 10:30 on a Sunday night! Take it, Commissioner Goodell: “It’s all about the fans.”