When 47-year-old Kevin James climbs through a window in a waistline-reducing black ensemble in the trailer for “Here Comes the Boom,” out today, audiences may feel a familiar feeling trickle through their spines. One minute and 50 seconds later, as a shirtless James, shimmering with sweat, whips out a one-two punch, it was clear the moment had arrived:
Ladies and gentleman, Kevin James is sexy as hell, and I’m here to prove it:
Exhibit A: Confidence doth a stud make
James spends roughly half of his new movie, which is about wrestling, shirtless. It takes a whole lot of guts for a 5-foot-8, over-200-pound man to bounce around, sans shirt, for all the world to see. His nude torso wrestles with Adonises, jiggling with pride, and our boy works it. Consequently, as the film progresses, man boobs begin to look more like pecs, and a belly starts to look more like a six-pack — because James’ confidence convinces you.
Exhibit B: D.I.L.F.s have more fun
With the rise of mega-D.I.L.F.s like Brad Pitt, it’s no longer lame to hop on the papa train. A man who has spread his God-given seed (James has three kids, ages 1, 5 and 7) is experienced in all the right ways: A father in his late 40s has seen the world, and he’s gone through (at least one) midlife crisis. A healthy 401(k) is a nice bonus, too.
Exhibit C: ‘Fat’ is the new black
Get over it, size-ists: Fat is in. If young pop stars such as Christina Aguilera and Lady Gaga can embrace their curves, certainly we can cut a cuddly middle-aged dude some slack. Besides, “Mike & Molly” is a successful sitcom starring two big-boned individuals, America recently rallied behind luscious lady anchor Jennifer Livingston and Doritos are available in a lot of really great flavors.
Exhibit D: Long Island accents are hot!
James’ Stony Brook, LI, tough tawk makes hearts flutter. He’s exactly the type of Long Island boy who will beat the bejeezus out of a guy one minute and write a misspelled love letter the next. He loves his mama’s home cooking, and he just wants to find someone in life who can dote on him the way she does.
Exhibit E: Never underestimate the power of a pole
On an unforgettable Season 8 episode of his long-running sitcom, “The King of Queens,” James (as Doug) let us in on a little secret. Disappointed by his wife Carrie’s (Leah Remini) pole-dancing skills in the bedroom, he jumps on that bad boy and shows her how it’s done. And surprise! Turns out he’s a natural, flipping and sliding around like a pro. “Magic Mike 2: More Magical”? It could work, Kevin. Just please don’t make another “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.”
gregorymiller@nypost.com