I’m happy to announce for the first time in a major metropolitan newspaper that Jesus Christ was not an extraterrestrial.
I’ve gotten that firsthand from the expert on all things ancient and alien, my new or (if we’re talking time travel, all-time) favorite giant-haired TV superstar Giorgio A. Tsoukalos!
OK, maybe he’s hot only in ancient-astronaut theorist circles, but still . . .
Tsoukalos and author Erich von Däniken are the forces, so to speak, behind “Ancient Aliens,” the cult fave on History’s sister channel, H2.
It’s possible that I myself have been abducted by aliens, because I can’t stop watching it.
In fact, last weekend I was sick and watched 20 hours!
Dear God, I was even moved to join the Ancient Alien Society and now have my own membership card, which is like a credit card, but you can’t buy anything with it.
Yesterday, I spoke to Tsoukalicious, as his femme fans call him, and asked the most important questions, well, of all time:
“Tell me Tsouk, why is your hair so giant?”
“Maybe it’s the first sign of alien abduction,” he deadpanned.
I then asked him what is Earth’s hottest spot. Not in a “Girls Gone Wild Way” way — in an ancient alien theorist kinda way.
“Puma Punku,” he answered, “between Bolivia and Peru. It’s at an altitude of 12,580 feet with the most bizarre blocks of stone ever created by man weighing in excess of 1,000 pounds. Yet archeologists want us to believe they were moved with chicken bones or some such nonsense.”
And finally, “What about Jesus? Alien or simply divine?”
“Jesus Christ was not an ancient alien,” he said. “People in my own field think he was an extraterrestrial but I firmly reject that notion!” Well, there was that traveling Star of Bethlehem . . .
Tsoukalicious and Van Daniken will be appearing (in the physical sense) Sunday night at the Academy of Medicine in Manhattan. Beam up, even if you have to levitate 1,000-pound stones to get there.
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Even though they can barely sit up and take nourishment these days, single-host daytime talk shows keep popping up like roaches in fast-food joints.
Now we hear that the worst parent in the universe — well, if Dina Lohan didn’t exist, that is — Kris Jenner, the modern-day Gabor mother, is trying out for her own talk show on Fox.
Can’t Fox find another doctor, fake shrink or bleached-blond chef to fill that dead zone?
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Have you noticed that “The X Factor” has turned into a teen staging area for “Glee?” Most of the contestants aren’t old enough to cross by themselves!
Why did the over-30 category turn into the over 25s this season? L.A. Reed was so disgusted to have to mentor this aging group, he slammed his phone down in disgust. Please. Just go buy a crate of Depends and hope no 28-year-old dies of dementia before the finals.