Actor Jeremy Renner (REUTERS)
Hawkeye is out of arrows – and full of excuses.
Actor Jeremy Renner’s action-themed career, along with cameos by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie and Maroon 5 front man Adam Levine, drew the biggest laughs on this weekend’s episode of “Saturday Night Live.”
Renner was at his finest in an “Avengers” skit, reprising his role from the blockbuster film as a battle-weary Hawkeye.
“I’m all out of arrows,” Renner’s Hawkeye says. “I don’t have any more. So I guess I’m done, right? I’ll be in the car. Stay safe.”
The other partners questioned Hawkeye’s determination.
“How many arrows did you bring?” Black Widow (Kate McKinnon) asks.
“All of them – like 11,” Hawkeye responds.
“Eleven?”
“Eleven?” Captain America (Taran Killam) chimes in. “There are 100,000 aliens out there.”
“And I killed 11 of them, you’re welcome. My arrow thing only holds 11 – 12 if you really cram them in there, but it’s not safe.”
Hawkeye later rejected the team’s suggestions to smash aliens with his bow and jammed his fingers while fist-pounding with Hulk.
Another humorous skit showed Renner in a days-long Mexican standoff – with the triumvirate reading “Goodnight Moon,” showering and sharing Thanksgiving dinner together.
Midway through the skit, the group happens upon Levine, the stubble-faced singer himself carrying two pistols.
“Was that Adam Levine?” Renner asked.
“Yeah, I think it was,” the others responded.
And then there was Christie – the governor himself, not an impersonation – still wearing that omnipresent storm fleece with his name embroidered on the chest, sitting at the Weekend Update desk and berating host Seth Meyers.
Christie discussed the Garden State’s post-Sandy cleanup.
“This isn’t a job that will be done in a couple of days,” Christie said. “Luckily, New Jerseyans are known for their patience.”
Christie thanked first responders and the Red Cross, as well as his wife “for putting up with a husband who’s smelled like a wet fleece for the past three weeks.”
The politician said the jacket is fused to his skin, and he even wears suits over it.
“I’m gonna die in this fleece,” he said.
The politician took shots at weather-minded news reporters and “stupid mayors who ignored evacuation orders.”
Christie closed his appearance by quoting a famous New Jersey poet … OK, it was lyrics to Bruce Springsteen’s “Atlantic City.”
Of course the David Petraeus brouhaha was addressed. The show opened with mistress Paula Broadwell (Cecily Strong) reading passages from her book “All In,” with “Fifty Shades of Grey” undertones mixed in. Never before has Forward Operating Base, Delaram, Afghanistan seemed so filthy.
A later skit showed CNN’s Wolf Blitzer (Jason Sudeikis) transfixed by footage of socialite Jill Kelley walking to her car.
Featuring mom and dad’s house in a mock “homecoming” vacation spot was also a sharp touch. Who can say no to the deepest TV ever sold, or scratchy, bleach-stained towels from 1994?
“Who needs snorkeling and parasailing when you can check out the old K-Mart?” the voiceover asks, as dad (Bill Hader) changes a light bulb in his underwear.
Renner’s hosting appearance started precariously. His monologue featured the “Hurt Locker” star performing rejected theme songs to his movies.
He sat behind the piano. Tapped the keys. No sound.
“Do we have a little sound?” he asked. “Anyone?”
A band member sitting behind Renner onstage buried his head in his hands.
His fidgeting continued. More awkward, stunted silence.
“Can anyone hear it? I can’t, can you?” Renner asked, performing imaginary Jose Iturbi solos.
Eventually the piano music appeared and Renner laughed off the technical difficulties, singing a torch song about “The Avengers,” the guy with the arrows finally, unexpectedly showing off his pipes.