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Holiday hate gets laid bare

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Just when you thought it was safe to carve that turkey . . .

Break out the vegan tofu loaf and cruelty-free eggnog. It’s time to observe a day dedicated to American gluttony, genocide and the forced labor of mothers.

We used to call Thursday Thanksgiving. A day to thank the Creator, or whatever male, female or transgender individual to which one prays. Or, in the case of an atheist, doesn’t.

But now, buzzkill forces of the politically correct have hijacked the holiday honoring white settlers who bonded with Native Americans for survival, and paved the way for jellied cranberry sauce, Black Friday sales and football.

The joyous event is now frequently referred to as the Day of Mourning.

The War on Thanksgiving is on.

The battle against a holiday once considered as American as pecan pie has eclipsed even the infamous War on Christmas, in which school administrators in one Texas town actually banned offensive green and red napkins from a classroom. It’s enough to send a nonsmoker to suck on Santa’s pipe (which was censored this year from a new, egregiously correct publication of the poem “A Visit from St. Nicholas”).

The latest example of political sensitivity in the face of a turkey isn’t the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’ plan to fight fowl by placing billboards near schools in several Western cities, asking, “KIDS: If you wouldn’t eat your dog, why eat a turkey?”

Here in New York, snazzy underwear purveyor Victoria’s Secret this month was shamed out of its skivvies during a Thanksgiving-inspired fashion show at the Lexington Avenue Armory.

Supermodel Karlie Kloss strutted the catwalk (pictured) in leopard-print panties, turquoise belt and floor-length Native American-style feathered headdress.

“Making a mockery of Native identity is unacceptable,” wrote an unamused Ruth Hopkins, columnist for Indian Country,

“This Native girl is ready to go commando.”

Victoria’s Secret, and Kloss, apologized profusely and vowed to remove the costume from its lineup. I wonder what manufacturers will ban next?

Barbie dolls, for promoting eating disorders? Charlie Brown, for pushing bullying? Ridiculous.

If only Massachusetts voters were as creeped out by Sen.-elect Elizabeth Warren’s (false) claims to be Native American, which she used to jump-start her career as a professor at Harvard Law School. Now that’s offensive.

It doesn’t stop at feathers. Last fall, the principal of Kennedy School in Somerville, Mass., banned the observance of all fall holidays.

“When we were young, we might have been able to claim ignorance of the atrocities that Christopher Columbus committed against the indigenous peoples. We can no longer do so,” Foley wrote to teachers.

“On the same lines, we need to be careful around the Thanksgiving Day time as well.”

The crackpot also banned Halloween. Devil worship, you see.

In Seattle public schools, director of Equity, Race & Learning Support Caprice Hollins established 11 “myths” of Thanksgiving.

“Myth No. 11. Thanksgiving is a happy time. Fact: For many Indian people, Thanksgiving is a time of mourning.”

The “fact” was disputed by Daryl Williams of the Tulalip Tribes, who said some Native Americans actually like the holiday.

But Angelina Jolie “hates” the tryptophanic rite because of what “the white settler did to the native Indians,” PopEater reported.

“She definitely doesn’t want to teach her multicultural family how to celebrate murder,” a friend is quoted as saying.

Brad Pitt told “Extra” last year that he planned to “whip up a turkey’’ wherever the Jolie-Pitt family traveled. Better watch the carving knives, Brad.

It’s time to ban political correctness for causing injury to the American psyche. Now, eat!

Petraeus takes the sleazy way out

Acting like a paranoid celebutard or mob rat, retired Gen. David Petraeus was whisked onto Capitol Hill on Friday through underground tunnels to avoid the media, or maybe his wife, as he testified before the House and Senate intelligence committees.

Petraeus, who quit as CIA director after admitting to an affair, said he always thought the murders of Ambassador Chris Stevens and three others at the US consulate in Libya were terrorism.

The Obama administration initially said the killings resulted from protests over an anti-Muslim movie.

Meanwhile, brazen mistress Paula Broadwell traded on her Petraeus ties to star in an infomercial for a gun manufacturer. Her rival, military groupie, Jill Kelley, used the he-man’s name to hit up a businessman for $80 million in a deal with South Korea, ABC News reported. She also visited the White House three times in two months — and whined to the mayor of Tampa, Fla., that Broadwell was a “criminal’’ and stalker.

There are grave potential national-security threats at stake here. You wouldn’t know it from that pig Petraeus.

Trial an error

Manhattan’s hapless district attorney, Cyrus Vance Jr., last week won grand-jury indictments on murder and kidnapping charges against Pedro Hernandez, in a case that haunts the city to this day.

Hernandez, a former SoHo bodega clerk, confessed that he killed 6-year-old Etan Patz in 1979.

But in court, Hernandez insisted he’s innocent. With no evidence against him other than the abandoned confession, many probers call the case unwinnable.

The worst part is putting Etan’s parents through the wringer of a fruitless trial. That’s just cruel.

Let’s run ’em outta town

Runners and couch potatoes can’t be wrong. My piece last week detailing how organizers of the New York City Marathon raked in $53.8 million last year and paid CEO Mary Wittenberg $501,000 — while donating just $494,000 to charity — sparked a huge cry to chuck the New York Road Runners Club from the marathon business.

The club “has been hijacked by greedy people who pay themselves outrageous salaries. What gall!’’ said one reader.

Mayor Bloomberg, get rid of this scourge.

Save the Twinkie!

What nature can’t destroy, unions can.

The Hostess Twinkie once seemed capable of surviving the next Ice Age with the cockroaches. But the culinary delight is going the way of the Hydrox cookie.

Hostess, which also makes Suzy Q’s and Wonder Bread (my heart, be still!) is asking a federal bankruptcy court for the OK to shut down operations, following a strike by its bakers union.

Woody Harrelson’s character in “Zombieland’’ and millions of other humans and I are obsessed with the snack cake.

No Twinkies? That’s just selfish!