We’re talking to you, Robert De Niro — and serving you up as the winner of the top honors in The Post’s 14th annual Turkey Movie Awards.
Who could forget — believe us, we’ve tried — your waaay over-the-top performance as a supposedly blind mentalist in “Red Lights,’’ spending what seems like an eternity shouting “HOW DID YOU DO THAT?’’ over and over at the top of your lungs?
Not to mention your shameless mugging as a dying Vietnam veteran determined to hang on until you can watch the Times Square ball-drop organized by your estranged daughter in the holiday box-office bomb “New Year’s Eve.’’
And your incredibly unwise decision to reheat one of your most famous roles as a taxi driver with mental issues in “Being Flynn.’’ What’s next? A movie in which you play a boxer and an iconic mobster?
With those three, your paycheck-driven hamming as a corrupt cop (in support of 50 Cent) in the practically direct-to-DVD “Freelancers’’ was pure gravy.
Happy Thanksgiving, Bob!
So who else won a Turkey Movie Award in a year larded with cinematic Butterballs? Read on!
* SECOND BANANA OF THE YEAR: Following thankless supporting roles in “Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol’’ and “The Avengers,’’ poor Jeremy Renner finally landed the lead in a big movie — but “The Bourne Legacy’’ plays less like a reboot than an extended subplot/place-holder while the producers pray for Matt Damon to return to the series.
* SYLVESTER STALLONE AND ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, ALL IS FORGIVEN: Karl Urban donned Sly’s old tin suit in the witless remake “Dredd,’’ while Colin Farrell fronted a clueless, humorless remake of Arnie’s “Total Recall.’’ Both deservedly bombed.
MOVIES THAT NOBODY EXCEPT MAYBE DROWNING-IN-RED-INK SONY’S ACCOUNTANTS REALLY WANTED MADE: The overproduced “Men in Black 3’’ (with Tommy Lee Jones in for maybe 15 minutes) and “The Amazing Spider-Man,’’ which amounted to a much-less-satisfying remake of the 11-year-old “Spider-Man.’’
THE YEAR’S MOST IRONIC TITLE: The unfunny Vince Vaughn-Ben Stiller versus aliens comedy “The Watch.’’ As it turns out, practically nobody watched one of the summer’s biggest bombs.
UNFORTUNATELY, MOST OF THE ACTION SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN TAKING PLACE OFF-SCREEN: Audiences slogged their way with Grimm determination through “Snow White and the Huntsman’’ — then, months later, pouty star Kristen Stewart was caught cheating with the married director out of camera range.
EXTREMELY TEDIOUS AND INCREDIBLY OFFENSIVE: Tom Hanks leaps from a World Trade Center tower on 9/11, and his obnoxious son roams the five boroughs with Holocaust survivor Max von Sydow in the altogether unfortunate schmaltzfest “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.’’
PARAMOUNT BLEW ITS 100th ANNIVERSARY BUDGET ON THAT VANITY FAIR SPREAD, SO ALL MOVIEGOERS GET IS (MOSTLY) A BUNCH OF CHEAP EXPLOITATION PICTURES: “The Devil Inside Me,’’ “Katy Perry: Part of Me,’’ “The Dictator’’ and “Paranormal Activity 4.’’
FORGOTTEN BUT NOT GONE: Kate Hudson failed to combine romantic comedy with cancer in “A Little Bit of Heaven,’’ the latest in her long unbroken string of losers; Eddie Murphy unwisely kept his mouth shut in “A Thousand Words,’’ which very briefly surfaced after four years on the shelf; and Katherine Heigl graced the stillborn franchise “One for the Money,’’ which finished well out of it.
WHEN GOOD ACTORS APPEAR IN VERY BAD MOVIES: Joseph Gordon-Levitt in “Premium Rush,” Bruce Willis in “The Cold Light of Day’’ and Tom Hardy in both the unspeakable “This Means War’’ and the not-much-better “Lawless,’’ incongruously cast as Shia LaBeouf’s brother in the latter. All flopped.
THE FIRST FILM NOMINATED FOR THE BAD HEMINGWAY COMPETITION: Bradley Cooper as a blocked novelist who passes off someone else’s bad Hemingway-esque novel as his own in “The Words.’’
* SHOOT IT IN THE HEAD AND PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY: Steven Spielberg’s “War Horse’’ lays on the equine schmaltz with a trowel in one of the phoniest-looking war movies of all time.
* ONE WAY TO STOP CRITICS FROM MAKING JOKES ABOUT YOUR LAST NAME: It’s three strikes and you’re out for Taylor Kitsch, who toplined two of the year’s costliest flops: the dreadful sci-fi epic “John Carter’’ — not exactly a great warm-up for Disney’s planned “Star Wars’’ sequels — and “Battleship,’’ which sank instantly. Kitsch’s third 2012 film, the drug thriller “Savages,’’ cost far less but still failed to break even.
* SO PATHETIC WE CAN’T EVEN JOKE ABOUT IT: “The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure,’’ a children’s movie, averaged only $200 per theater during its opening weekend — not even enough to cover the electric bills.
BUT YES, THERE WERE FILMS THAT DID EVEN WORSE: “W.E.,’’ increasingly Immaterial Matron Madonna’s dreary vanity-production gloss on the Nazi-loving Duke and Duchess of Windsor, ended up selling a grand total of $583K worth of tickets in the US — versus $1.06 million for “Oogieloves.’’
* YOU CAN’T GO HOME AGAIN: Sir Ridley Scott recycled “Alien’’ to far less critical acclaim and business in the vastly less exciting “Prometheus.’’ You, Charlize Theron, are no Sigourney Weaver — but we’re simply speechless at the spectacle of Noomi Rapace’s character performing an abortion on herself.
* RUMOR HAS IT SCIENTOLOGY WILL USE IT TO SCREEN CANDIDATES FOR HIS NEXT WIFE: Newly single Tom Cruise sported ass-less chaps and dubious singing chops as a washed-up rocker in “Rock of Ages,’’ as his appalled remaining fans stayed away in droves.
* AND THE OTHER EX-MRS. CRUISE INDULGES IN A SPOT OF ARTSY CRITICISM: Nicole Kidman urinates on Zac Efron’s overexposed torso in the overheated Southern Gothic film “The Paperboy.’’ Better she should have relieved herself on the negative of the year’s worst movie so far.
lou.lumenick@nypost.com
With contributions from Sara Stewart and Reed Tucker