The Barclays Center is Brooklyn’s best new-thrills machine since the Coney Island Parachute Jump — and it’s a better place to eat than the boardwalk is (and ever likely was). Developer Bruce Ratner cleverly stocked the arena’s three-level noshing zones with “Brooklyn flavors” from all over the “It” borough of culinary adventure.
Some of the venue’s 37 concessions (many of which are repeated on different levels) are short-menu replicas of famous dining destinations from Bay Ridge to Williamsburg; others are more generally based on neighborhoods.
The key word here is “replicas.” The Center’s Fatty ’Cue barbecue and Calexico, for example, aren’t run by the establishments that inspired them, but instead by Levy Restaurants, a national food-service giant that manages the concessions at places like Walt Disney Resorts in Orlando, Fla., and the Staples Center in LA.
My blitz of the Barclays Center eateries found they’re better on average than typical sports-venue food courts — and tons better than tourist-trap franchises. Levy worked with real Brooklyn joints and chefs, and tapped Brooklyn purveyors, to come up with some suave simulations.
Several main choices were fabulous. But the sides I tried were uniformly awful.
And service is uniformly slooooooow. The folks behind the counters do not move like Jagger (who’s coming to Barclays with the Rolling Stones next month, see sidebar on page 31). Some seem barely to move at all when long lines snake across the floor.
Forget the 24-second clock — bring an hourglass. When you’re dying to get back to the game, your server may digress into moving cardboard trays around.
Most stands sell beer and soda. Despite the odd “veggie” burger, these are fatty, tailgate party edibles. Some might
give you gas before you get to your seat.
Which seems fine by most arena-goers. At last week’s Nets-Celtics game, fans mobbed places selling ribs, fried fish
and hot dogs, while the lone sushi cart stood mostly empty all night. But at a gymnastics event Sunday afternoon that drew a million cute young girls and their moms, sushi might have sold like crazy — but the stand was closed.
The kids consoled themselves at the Farmacy soda fountain, where they sell a terrific chocolate egg cream made with U-Bet syrup. It’s $5 for a normally $2 beverage. But nobody complains at Starbucks, do they?
Read on for our rankings from zero basketballs (air ball) to four (slam-dunk).
FATTY ’CUE
After queuing up for nearly 15 minutes and then being asked to show photo ID to pay with an American Express card, I was hungry enough to eat an empty tray. But pulled-pork barbecue “hand-crafted” with Brooklyn Brine bread-and-butter pickles on a banh mi roll ($12.75) made the wait worthwhile.
The shredded meat was hot, supple and moist throughout — a close enough cousin to the “flavor profiles” of the real Fatty ’Cue in Williamsburg.
On the other hand, four-cheese mac made with cheddar, queso blanco, fontina and gouda might have been made of clay and glue — a $6.25 starch-and-sludge bomb tasting of nothing. Could anyone actually get past the first bite or two?
* 2.5 out of 4 basketballs
FRESCO BY SCOTTO
The line was short, but the wait was 20 minutes at this outpost of the Manhattan-based Italian family restaurant (although the Scottos are firmly rooted in Brooklyn) as the women behind the counter did everything — except take care of customers. When I finally got one’s attention, she vanished behind a wall to deliver the order to the cooks — the same primitive form of communication as at some other stands.
“Mom’s chicken meatball sliders” ($11.50) looked tempting on glazed brioche buns. Alas, the eerie red gravy-soaked contents “smashed with shaved pecorino” did not taste like chicken, but like industrial-quality fowl cut with filler. A mysterious medicinal undertaste brought on “ewwws.”
I dreaded zucchini and potato chips with “gooey” gorgonzola cheese ($9.75). I decided to skip them when the couple next to me returned theirs.
What was wrong? “Hair.”
The interests of science have their limits.
* 0 out of 4 basketballs
CALEXICO
At Barclays’ concession of the Carroll Gardens and Greenpoint faves, voted the city’s No. 1 Mexican eateries in the Zagat Survey, the Baja fish tacos ($14) made with beer-battered cod floated my boat.
The fish was soft and succulent within crisp batter — just like what you’d get with the finest fish ’n’ chips. The tacos were crackling crisp; slaw, salad and salsa sparkled.
But — the side dish curse again — guacamole with chips, “roasted tomato salsa” and tortilla chips were so lame, the guacamole maven accompanying me called it something you can’t print in a family newspaper. The green ooze tasted like toothpaste without a molecule of spark or flavor — a wasted $7.75.
* 2.5 out of 4 basketballs
BROOKLYN BANGERS & DOGS
BB&D, representing chef Saul Bolton, who helms the Michelin-starred Saul in Boerum Hill and the Vanderbilt in Prospect Heights, offers a very satisfying Nathan’s hot dog for $5.75 (also available at some other stands). But the real act to catch is Bolton’s “smoked white cheddar brat on baked-in-Brooklyn potato hoagie”, further described as “chef’s hand-crafted sausage topped with mustardy relish.”
The relish is actually on the side. The plump and powerfully seasoned brat, made with pork butt, spices and cheese, packed the thrill of a three-point swish at the buzzer — the best dish I had at Barclays Center and a stomach-filling steal at $9.75. (Try finishing one, and you’ll see what I mean.)
* 4 out of 4 basketballs
L&B SPUMONI GARDENS
The model in our entourage cooed, “The grandma slice is so great.” She meant the Sicilian square slice, one of a handful of items that stand in for the Gravesend restaurant’s sprawling menu.
It was $7.75 (a helluva hike over the $2.25 price tag at the 86th Street shop). Light on cheese, it was loaded with the hearty Italian-American tomato sauce I grew up with and still love. It ran right over the sides, making it tough to manage without a lot of napkins (which none of the stands have — you must track them down on condiment carts around the floor).
The waitress took pity and found me paper towels. If only the crews were as efficient as they are friendly.
* 2 out of 4 basketballs
HABANA
A Cuban sandwich is a Cuban sandwich: The classic peasant-based mix of roast pork, ham, cheese and pickles is hard to improve on. The wild card is how fresh the meat is and how long it sits after pressing on the grill.
The version at Habana, which has a location in Fort Greene, is made on French-style bread and gooey from the melted Swiss. Served piping hot, it tastes exactly the way it should. And at $12.50, the belt-loosener should be all you need to get through four quarters and overtime.
* 3 out of 4 basketballs
BED-STUY GRILL
The Grill, whose menu is generally inspired by the neighborhood, was the only counter with no line at all the other night.
But maybe it was because word had got around about the chicken tenders ($9.75) — sodden, leaden-battered affairs served with flavorless and greasy french fries to match.
Meanwhile, a side of chili cheese fries with “homemade chipotle” ($6.75) was just gross. The Levy group needs to rethink this operation before it chases the crowd away for good.
* 0 out of 4 basketballs
AVENUE K DELI
Avenue K’s “stacked high” sandwiches on thick-cut rye with coleslaw and pickles are all priced at $16. The turkey number I tried from this stand, based on the kosher delis of Midwood and other nabes, was more than ample with thin-sliced, fresh-tasting and flavorful turkey that mustard really brought to life.
* 3 out of 4 basketballs
scuozzo@nypost.com