BIG WHEELS: Jolin is a Mennonite, so he is allowed to have a car, unlike many Amish, who must drive buggies. (
)
They should call it “When Amish Go Bad.” I’m talking about the insanely addictive new show, “Amish Mafia,” the most bizarre reality series, well, ever.
We already know what happens when Amish teens go a rumspringing and have sex, smoke pot, return to the farm, rinse repeat, from the 2002 documentary, “Devil’s Playground,” which ran on PBS.
And we know what happens when young adult Amish go all “English” and run away from home/farm and head for the big city from “Breaking Amish,” but what we’ve never heard of or even suspected is what happens when grown Amish men become enforcers.
Yes. Enforcers as in Amish Tony Sopranos operating right in Lancaster, Pa. Tony, in this case, is called (I swear) Lebanon Levi.
Lebanon Levi is a powerful mob boss who rules the Amish countryside like Vito Corleone with a buggy and a high-powered assault weapon. Or at least his men do.
Lebanon Levi likes to be reasonable, you see, so he does all kinds of good deeds such as bringing money to Amish widows and women whose husbands have disappeared.
His patience only goes so far, however, and sometimes he has to use a little muscle. Like? Like allowing one member of the “team” to blow a hole through a the windshield of a pickup truck owned by an “English” suspected of running into a buggy and smashing it.
As in blackmailing a powerful man in the Amish church who has sinned and sure as, er, heck, doesn’t want his hooker exploits announced at the next church service. And yes, it’s all on camera from Levi catching the guy at a local motel, to chasing the hooker from the room to the sitdown wherein Levi gets to tell the guy, “I’ll make you disappear for a while and let you know when it’s time to come back.”
Hey — they aren’t Quakers, they’re Amish.
He then informs the guy that he knows he’s a busy man and that he, Levi, will “take care of your businesses in the meantime.” It’s “I’ll make you a offer you can’t refuse,” Amish style.
Next scene you see is “Under new management” signs going up.
For reasons I’ll never understand, Lebanon Levi allows the cameras to follow him and record it all. If they exchanged their Amish clothes for sweats, you’d swear he was Tony Soprano with his boys.
In the role of Paulie Walnuts is Alvin. He might sound like a chipmunk, but he’s an enforcer who is blindly devoted to Levi. Like Paulie, he’s got a past.
Standing in for Silvio Dante is lean, mean, hunk, Jolin, a Mennonite, which means he’s allowed to have a car — and an AK47 and he has no trouble using that baby.
As Christopher is John, whose late father used to be in the Lebanon Levi position. He looks like a passive guy, and if you — or Levi — thinks that, watch your back. He’s a Levi soldier but he’s looking to be Levi.
Finally as Adriana is, Esther, John’s sister, an Amish dish and the only woman Levi is soft on. She knows it, and she uses it to help herself and her brother further themselves in the crew.
Thing is she’s got the warms (they’re Amish, can’t have the “hots”) for Jolin and he for her. Trouble’s coming to Intercourse and leading to Blue Balls.
Oh clean up your mind. They are Amish towns near Lancaster, Pa. Don’t miss a minute of it.