Every December, seasonal shows take over our local stages, and resistance is futile. But which one is right for you — and your finicky friends and relatives?
Help has arrived! Let this selective roundup — featuring everything from large-scale Broadway musical to multimedia experiment, variety show to period play — guide you to the right picks for all.
“A Civil War Christmas”
Target audience: History Channel aficionados
The lowdown: Lincoln fans whose appetite was whetted by Spielberg’s movie should check out this new play by Pulitzer winner Paula Vogel (“How I Learned To Drive”), set on Christmas Eve, 1864.
Highlights: Anthems from the Underground Railroad pack an emotional punch — and are beautifully sung.
You’ll leave humming: Vintage carols and songs like “Ding Dong Merrily on High” and “Follow the Drinking Gourd.”
New York Theatre Workshop, 79 E. Fourth St.; 212-460-5475. $40 to $70. Through Dec. 30.
“Elf — The Musical”
Target audience: Christmas devotees for whom no season is complete without Santa
The lowdown: Based on the Will Ferrell movie, this silly-sweet musical follows Buddy, a goofball who thinks he’s an elf and moves to New York to find his real dad.
Highlights: Buddy scarfing down cold spaghetti for breakfast gets the kids’ vote. Adults may dig his ice-skating seduction of little bummer girl Jovie (Leslie Kritzer).
You’ll leave humming: Buddy’s not kidding when he warbles “Just sing a Christmas song/And keep on singing all season long” — that tune’s a real earworm.
Al Hirschfeld Theatre, 302 W. 45th St.; 212-239-6200. $49 to $160. Through Jan. 6.
“A Christmas Story, The Musical”
Target audience: the entire family, including the dog (unfortunately, no ticket for him)
The lowdown: A very funny song-and-dance adaptation of the 1983 movie. Will Ralphie get his Red Ryder Carbine Action BB gun? Will he actually shoot his eye out?
Highlights: All of the movie’s classic scenes are here, including the leg lamp (“Fra-GEE-lay!”), the tongue on the flagpole and the hounds eating the turkey.
You’ll leave humming: It’s a tossup between “Ralphie to the rescue! Oh-oh!” and “It’s a shticky shticky shticky s - - tuation.”
“Chris March’s Butt-Cracker Suite”
Target audience: John Waters fans who have been stocking up on Twinkies
The lowdown: Designer Chris March (“Project Runway,” “Mad Fashion”) set his version of “The Nutcracker” in a trailer park, and plays the heroine, Clara, himself.
Highlights: The wackadoo dance numbers, like the one in which the cast is dressed as giant beer cans.
You’ll leave humming: Tchaikovsky dance remixes.
HERE Arts Center, 145 Sixth Ave.; 212-352-3101. $50. Through Dec. 29.
“Reid Farrington’s A Christmas Carol”
Target audience: arty daredevils in chunky black eyeglasses
The lowdown: Downtown legend Everett Quinton anchors this multimedia show assembled by tech whiz Reid Farrington, who used clips from 35 different screen versions of the classic Dickens tale.
Highlights: Quinton faces off with Mr. Magoo and George C. Scott, or at least their video avatars.
You’ll leave humming: One of the several musical snippets, like maybe “Thank You Very Much,” from the Albert Finney-starring “Scrooge.”
Abrons Arts Center, 466 Grand St.; 212-352-3101. $15 to $25. Through Dec. 23.
“Jackie Hoffman’s A Chanukah Charol”
Target audience: cranky holiday haters — their soul mate is onstage
The lowdown: Riffing on Patrick Stewart’s solo “A Christmas Carol,” master kvetcher Hoffman (“The Addams Family”) receives visits from the Ghosts of Chanukah Past, Present and Future.
Highlights: Anything that involves Hoffman’s gig at a Queens syna-gogue. It’s not in Dickens, but it should have been.
You’ll leave humming: There aren’t any songs, but Hoffman’s been in many musicals, and her rants snap, crackle and pop.
New World Stages, 340 W. 50th St.; 212-239-6200. $39.50 to $59.50. Dec. 8 to 29 (Fri. and Sat. only).
“The Holiday Guys in Happy Merry Hanu-Mas”
Target audience: mixed-faith couples into show tunes
The lowdown: Retro-cool Broadway stalwarts Marc Kudisch (“9 to 5”) and Jeffry Denman (“Irving Berlin’s White Christmas”) bring back the old-school variety show.
Highlights: You can never go wrong with a ukulele. Just ask Denman.
You’ll leave humming: “A Lonely Jew on Christmas” — yes, the seasonal anthem from “South Park.”
York Theatre at St. Peter’s, 619 Lexington Ave.; 212-935-5820. $59.50 (New Year’s Eve, $64.50 to $74.50). Dec. 18 to 31.