SNIP SNIP: In Investigation Discovery’s “Nightmare Christmas,” actors re-create crimes that really happened during the holiday season. (Investigation Discovery)
SNIP SNIP: In Investigation Discovery’s “Nightmare Christmas,” actors re-create crimes that really happened during the holiday season. (
)
Slay bells ring — are you listening?
While other channels are bringing us all manner of sickly sweet holiday fare, ID is bringing us just the sickly part.
Yes, nothing says “let’s celebrate “the birth of the Prince of Peace” like knock-down, drag-out crime.
Tonight, ID’s special, “Nightmare Christmas” — complete with dinner-theater actors and New York scenes so authentic they look like they were shot in Virginia — is broken up into several segments detailing idiotic crimes related to gift-giving at this special time of year.
The first segment, “It’s Not Christmas Yet!,” is probably my favorite. Look, I’m as big a fan of waiting until Christmas morning to unwrap the presents as anyone, but even so, catching someone sneaking a peek has never led me to a stabbing.
I know, I know, I’m just too easy-going.
But the same can’t be said for newlywed Amber Johnson. Five nights before Christmas, Amber got hammered at a bar, and came home to find Shawn not just wearing the shirt she’d wrapped for Christmas, but, smelling of the cologne she bought him!
Look, I’d like to stab a
ny man wearing cologne, but for Amber, it was the opposite. Incensed and enraged, she stabbed Shawn nearly to death. Luckily, he had already taken off the new shirt.
Amber was such a newlywed idiot that she then asked the emergency-room doctor if he’d be so kind to finish the job and kill him.
Moral? There is none except check references before you marry. Seems Amber had run over her ex, nearly killing him, too.
“Thou Shalt Not Steal,” is about a Christmas robbery at St. Mel’s right here in Queens. St. Mel’s? In my whole life, I never knew there was a saint named after Mel Brooks.
Anyway, two morons went into the rectory during Christmas Day mass, and robbed the strong-box full of money for the poor children of Queens and Brooklyn. It took about 15 minutes to catch the two thieves and in the spirit of Christmas all was forgiven.
Then, there’s the one about the PTA treasurer who used the school supplies money for presents and a 7-foot-high nutcracker for her home. When the cops knocked on her door, the giant nutcracker was there to greet them. Talk about a nut job!
Finally, the most bizarre story of them all. A man, with an extravagant plush robe with a giant cat on the back walks outside in a snowstorm (don’t ask) and happens to find two thugs stealing his car.
Taken aback, they instead take a shine to the robe, and beat him senseless, leave him in his skivvies in the snow, and steal the now-bloody robe.
In an act of pure selflessness, one of the thugs gave the bloody robe to his dear mother for Christmas. She then proceeded to wear it all around town — without cleaning it.
Not exactly “A Chirstmas Carol,” but, seriously, how many times can you see Alastair Sim buy the goose for the kid with the crutch?