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Body language is something we all use, but when it comes to translating what it means, it might as well be Tagalog.
Enter Blake Eastman, your human Rosetta Stone for hand movements, smiles and facial tensions.
For more than a year, he’s been doing research on human interactions and teaching classes on body language basics, deception detection and, as of this year, a dating workshop at The Nonverbal Group, his Chelsea-based company. The $100, three-hour dating sessions focus specific attention on each person’s physical foibles, including videotaping their interactions, showing how to improve nonverbal communication to get approached more and learning how eye contact builds intimacy.
The 27-year-old former professional poker player — “that’s a whole different skillset,” he insists — shared techniques that could take your first date from awkward to awesome.
DO:
Be genuine
“Anxiety tends to warp smiles,” Eastman says. “When people are happy, they generally display their full smiles. Anxiety or negative emotional states morph the smile. Instead of looking genuinely happy, you look weird.”
Eastman counteracts this by videotaping people and showing them the changes in their faces when they’re anxious and relaxed.
You can do it too by not forcing a smile on your face when you’re not actually happy. Instead, focus on making your outer appearance match your inner feelings, even if they’re not happy at the moment.
DON’T:
Ignore awkwardness
An “awwwk-ward” moment only gets more awkward the longer it goes on, leading to avoiding eye contact. There’s a simple, counterintuitive fix that can break the tension in body language: “Just call it out, for the love of God,” Eastman says.
“Acknowledging that you’re awkward is better than just displaying it,” he says. “If you feel like you’re so nervous and anxious, you look like you’re nervous and anxious.
“Once there’s attention brought to it, there’s instantly a sigh of relief,” he says.
DO:
Find the weak spot
Faint praise goes in one ear and out the other, Eastman says. The trick is to find the person’s insecurity and compliment that.
It’s often obvious by reading basic body language, like if a person doesn’t show their teeth when they smile or only posts Facebook pictures where their legs are hidden.
When you compliment the one thing the person doesn’t like about themselves, “that builds cohesion.”
DO:
Practice on strangers
Before a date, try making eye contact with someone at the supermarket or try to read the body language of someone sitting next to you on the morning commute.
“If you’re terrified of walking up to somebody in the bar, start practicing with the little old grandmother on the subway,” he says.
DON’T:
Go to a restaurant
“[They’re] set up, from a nonverbal perspective, to fail,” he says. “You’re right next to somebody so it’s difficult to build intimacy if the dynamic is similar to an interview.”
Try something that involves moving around, like a food tour. “It’s going to give you an opportunity to bump and touch,” says Eastman.
DO:
Work in home territory
You want your date spot to be somewhere you’re already familiar with, which will help you unleash the anxiety that can knot up your face.
“Set yourself up in a place that’s going to make you the most comfortable,” he says.