Never mind what will happen in 2013. Here’s what surelywon’t:
* In preparation for 2016, Mitt Romney will tour the nation, slamming the 47 percent of Americans who are moochers — with his dog tied to the roof of his car the whole way.
* Mayor Bloomberg will instruct aides to buy everyone in the city a 64-oz. glass of Coke — and 10 cartons of Marlboros to go with it.
* Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez will lead the New York Jets to a Super Bowl championship — and Alex Rodriguez’s hitting will ensure the Yankees a World Series win.
* Gen. David Petraeus will consult Tiger Woods for advice on how to keep mistresses.
* Todd Akin will open a nationwide chain of women’s crisis centers.
* Andrew Cuomo will announce that, after completing his tenure as New York’s governor, he will never again seek elective office.
* Walmart will open 138 superstores throughout the five boroughs.
* Susan Rice will appear on every TV talk show, insisting the attack on the US consulate in Benghazi was sparked by that Mohammed video on YouTube.
* Justin Bieber will discover he needs to shave — and retire from the music industry.
* With MTA boss Joe Lhota officially a candidate for mayor, Chris Quinn, Billy Thompson and Bill de Blasio will all drop out of the race.
* Inspired by Cuomo’s success in New York, Sunnis from Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood and Shiite mullahs from Iran will join hands in a major campaign for gay marriage throughout the Middle East.
* Syrian butcher Bashar al-Assad will win a Nobel Peace Prize. (Uh, scratch that; he actually might!)
* After setbacks in Wisconsin, Michigan and Indiana — and recognizing the economic damage of its demands — US labor will show signs of conciliation.
* Thanks to Cuomo’s pension reforms, government-employee retiree costs will drop precipitously.
* Thanks to Cuomo’s state-mandate reforms, school districts across the state will have more money than they know what to do with.
* Jimmy Carter will get North Korea and Iran to foreswear nuclear weapons — and really mean it.
* Federal spending will exceed revenue by less than $1 trillion — for the first time since President Obama took office.
* Bike-promoting city transportation czar Janette Sadik-Kahn will get a job as an SUV saleswoman.
* Clint Eastwood will star in a new Broadway show — with Obama, instead of a chair, playing the president.
* Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts will figure out the difference between an ObamaCare fine and a tax.
* Shelly Silver will lose his position as Assembly speaker for having paid hush money to cover up sexual-harassment charges against fellow Democrat Vito Lopez.
* Sandra Fluke will demand that consenting adults pay for their own birth-control supplies.
* Every New York state senator will form his own individual political caucus — but then forge a grand coalition and solve all of New York’s problems.
* Suddenly realizing the need to boost the economy, Obama will push through massive tax cuts for those who pay taxes (that is, primarily, the rich).
* Cuomo will stick by his latest deadline and give a final OK to hydraulic fracturing, or fracking — creating an unprecedented economic boom Upstate.
* Greece will become self-sustaining; America will soon follow suit.
* New York will opt for a two-party political system.
* Grateful he’s not in jail, City Comptroller John Liu will put taxpayers’ interests above those of his union pals for a change.
* Obama will have al Qaeda back on its heels.
* Mayor Bloomberg will retire from public life — and never be heard from again.
* Pundits, at long last, will stop making silly predictions.
Happy New Year!
abrodsky@nypost.com