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The final Buttfumble comes from Rex Ryan, who postponed his year-end press conference — brilliantly scheduled for seven hours before the start of 2013 — to hide under his desk on the day general manager’s Mike Tannenbaum’s head rolled past him.
So for Jets fans who needed to hear his fearless vision for a better tomorrow, his thoughts on Life After Tanny and Life After Tony (Sparano), here’s what you got from the humbled face of the franchise:
Happy New Rear!
Perhaps Ryan was distraught owner Woody Johnson gave him this stay of Rexecution with $6 million left on his contract with so many tempting new head-coach openings in the wake of Black Monday.
Perhaps he was having a knockdown, drag-out fistfight with Tim Tebow.
Perhaps he wants to think further about whether it makes sense to essentially be a lame duck with a barren offensive cupboard who could find himself victimized by a hostile front office takeover led by a new GM who inevitably will seek to hire his own man.
He’s next, and he knows it. Knows the next time Johnson and the new GM (the 49ers’ Tom Gamble?) come looking for a scapegoat, it will be him.
Knows he is Dead Coach Walking.
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Ryan’s mandate is to get Johnson to the first New York Super Bowl with his third offensive coordinator (Norv Turner?) in three years and without a clue as to the identity of the quarterback (Alex Smith?) who can get him there. And a new special-teams coach and quite possibly a new defensive coordinator. While trapped in salary cap hell. That’s Lindsay Lohan-level stability.
He is Last Man Standing, in grave danger of drowning off a place Darrelle Revis might call Ryan Island.
He is Rex Ryan, head coach of the New York Buttfumblers.
Ryan’s crowning achievement, in a season when he and his team were the Super Bowl champs of clowning achievements, was that he didn’t lose the locker room. Hooray for Rex!
It is one thing to keep the inmates from running the asylum, quite another when would-be free agents can see you are still running an asylum.
Because it wasn’t only Mark Sanchez who regressed at an alarming rate, Ryan did as well. It wasn’t only Sanchez who gave us a Buttfumble of a season, Ryan did as well.
“I believe that he has the passion, the talent and the desire to successfully lead our team,” Johnson said in a statement.
What likely saved Ryan was the support of his players, because most successful organizations do not saddle an incoming GM with a head coach not of his choosing.
But these are Johnson’s New York Buttfumblers.
Why clean house? What’s the rush?
Now, should the incoming GM that Johnson covets change his mind about Ryan, all bets could be off.
Once Tannenbaum read the players a heartfelt farewell letter he had written and exited stage right, Ryan allayed their fears that he might be next.
“I’m gonna be the coach next year,” he said.
When you are a no-show on the day after a season without reason ends, you begin to wonder whether he may have taken his stay of Rexecution more as a death sentence than a reason to start Tebowing excitedly at the owner’s feet.
I don’t believe Ryan wants out … just wonder how much he still wants in.
“I know he has the passion, I know he has the drive to take us where we want to be,” Sanchez said.
But after four years on the job, you still get the feeling Ryan thinks the Buttfumble is part of the offensive playbook.
Say whatever you want about Tannenbaum — “Vernon Gholston” and “Vladimir Ducasse” come to mind — but Ryan wanted Sanchez as his franchise quarterback every bit as much as the former GM did. If Ryan didn’t believe in Sanchez, Tannenbaum would not have given him that albatross contract extension last offseason.
If Ryan didn’t want Tebow, he (and Tannenbaum) had every opportunity to convince the hyperventilating owner. It was Ryan who wanted Sparano to coordinate his leather-helmet offense. It was Ryan and Sparano and offensive line coach Dave DeGuglielmo who swore by Wayne Hunter. It was Ryan who thought he could ride a Ground & Pound tractor in a league of quarterback-driven Indy 500 race cars.
So there is plenty of blood on Ryan’s hands here. He all but placed Tebow on ankle-bracelet house arrest, drove the guy mad, seemed to be obsessed with obeying some imaginary law that made it a felony to yank Sanchez.
It is past time for Ryan to wake up and realize that loose lips sink ships, and only one voice, his voice, will be heard from now on.
“He’s a great leader,” Mike DeVito said.
Great leaders make the necessary changes. Jets fans want a football coach. Not a drama king or circus ringmaster. They want a football team. Not the soap opera “As The World Turns Your Stomach.”
Johnson’s worst nightmare is Eli Manning vs. Tom Brady III in the New York Super Bowl next winter. He isn’t interested in selling hot dogs at that one. He bought the New York Jets, not the New York Buttfumblers.
And there is a Rexpiration date on novelty acts once they stop winning.
steve.serby@nypost.com