It’s 3 a.m., you’re partying in your psychedelically lit en-suite infinity pool with friends you met 20 minutes ago, and your last bottle of bub just dripped its final drop.
The resort bar is closed. The minibar’s been gutted. Panic switch flipped.
Big-picture wise, this might seem like a rather first-world concern, with all that war, climate change and abject poverty going on out there today. But when you’re paying upward of $2,000 a night for a “Moon Sanctuary” at St. Lucia’s Jade Mountain resort, you’ve earned the right to such concerns — loads of ’em.
Luckily, you have a 24-hour, on-call butler to take care of business. And by that, we mean a knock at the door, champagne reserves at the ready, minutes later.
Welcome to St. Lucia, a volcanic-yet-mellow Windward Islands headliner that’s been completely Mr. Belvedered, one property at a time. Here’s how to help them help you:
JADE MOUNTAIN
Built into a mountain atop its 600-acre sister property on the island’s southwestern coast, Anse Chastanet, the Nick Troubetzkoy-designed Jade Mountain features an M.C. Escher-like maze of stone bridges that lead to 24 extravagant, fourth-wall-less, open “sanctuaries,” all with infinity (don’t call them plunge) pools. All face the Piton twins, Gros and Petit. (There are five additional Sky suites, without pools, lower down the mountain.)
While none of them have TVs or phones, all sanctuaries and suites come with a “firefly” walkie-talkie, where you’ll find a “majordomo” on the other end (they’re trained by the no-joke British Guild of Butlers). “Breaker, breaker, I need my clothes unpacked, breakfast in bed, a magazine sent to me on the beach, a particular table reserved at the restaurant for dinner and your in-house photographer to take our picture. Copy that? Over.”
Indeed, they do copy. The service is so prompt and on it, no matter how absurd the request, you’ll forget just how weak the Wi-Fi is (summer rates from $995, jademountain.com).
LADERA
This luxe outpost sitting pretty at 1,100 feet above sea level, also on St. Lucia’s southwestern Piton-peeping coast, hasn’t really changed much in its 20 years— ’cause it hasn’t had to. The 32 open-wall suites, all with private pools, dark Caribbean timber, elegant stonework and plants everywhere you look, all scream five-star “luxury tree house,” fit for an Ewok king.
But this year, Ladera’s decided to take it up a notch, just to keep things fresh and even more expensive. The Suites at Paradise Ridge, with four-poster king beds, and the 1,700-square-foot Villa at Paradise Ridge, both of which opened this year, are exclusively serviced by the resort’s new signature butlers (sorry, all other units).
While the butlers here are trained on-site, as opposed to a specialty school, they’re more than apt at packing and unpacking for guests, taking care of dinner reservations and preferred seating at Ladera’s West Indian restaurant, Dasheene, booking spa treatments, confirming flights and arranging room service. Score one for home-schooling (Suites from $1,600, villas from $1,900, ladera.com).
WINDJAMMER LANDING
Up in the northwestern part of the island is where you’ll find St. Lucia’s larger, kid-friendly beaches and honeymooner-infested all-inclusives. But unlike a trio of a certain footwear-named resorts in the area, civilized and clean Windjammer Landing — a massive 330-unit, five-pool, five-restaurant resort overlooking placid, pretty (and cruise ship-less) Labrelotte Bay — manages to keep the peace and keep things fun.
One of the ways it does this is by employing an army of “ambassadors” to assist guests in, well, everything: making golf/spa/restaurant reservations, coordinating itineraries, giving you the rundown of the property’s gaggle of restaurants, delivering flowers and other amenities from the on-site minimart. Or they’ll just talk to you if you need a friend (awww).
But, unlike the other two butlered resorts above, the ambassadors aren’t just for the richy-rich folk. Even those in the cheap seats at Windjammer have access — just dial 0 and ask for one. If none are available, a front desk rep will step up, assume the title, and get ’er done (summer rates from $200, windjammer-landing.com).
I LIKE TO MOVE IT, MOVE IT!
It’s infinitely easy to be lazy in the Caribbean. Yet, strangely, St. Lucia wants you out and about. Here are four fun ways to comply.
1. Line drive — Our zip-line hostess at Rainforest Adventures, near Castries Port, was bubbly Rosie, who swore she’d just found Jesus. We couldn’t have asked for better timing, since she was the one leading us (sometimes hugging up on us mid-zip) way up in the trees, from one speedy zip-line-connected platform to the next, 18 in all. Prep yourself for at fun (for some) surprises along the way (two-hour Adrena Line tour is $25 per person, rainforestadventure.com).
2. Well spokin’— Anse Chastanet Resort sports a jungled plot of land called Anse Mamin Plantation. Inside you’ll find old slave paraphernalia, wild cats and suckable cocoa beans. You’ll also find eight miles of bike trails snaking about, ranging from the orientation loop for beginners to the steep, 1,000-feet-rising Tinker Trail for crazies, designed by a pro pedal pusher. Thirty-speed (!) bikes and helmets are available (for guests and nonguests alike) at Jungle Biking Adventure’s on-site center ($45 per person, bikestlucia.com).
3. Rise and shine — Those two giant things jutting out of the sea are called the Pitons, a UNESCO World Heritage site. Those two things attaching your hips to your feet will get you up at least one of them — hopefully. Of the two, the Gros Piton (not the Petit Piton) is ironically the easier one to climb. At base camp, grab yourself a mandatory guide (tips encouraged), at least one bottle of water (make that two) and a $1 walking stick (smarter than you think), and set your sites on scaling Gros. It will take a couple of hours each way, so leave early to make it back before dark. All climbers must make an appointment with St. Lucia’s Forest & Lands Department ($45 per person, 758-450-2231).
4. Merry-time shipping — Guests at Windjammer Landing have access to a whole slew of complimentary watersports: Hobie Cats, windsurfing boards, banana boats, kayaks. But we recommend the pedal boats. Your thighs will be mad at you at first, but when they’re all toned and tan the following day, they’ll thank you — just watch (windjammer-landing.com).