Here’s an old joke: What’s a man’s idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
There are plenty of jokes about women rejecting their partners for sex. However, there aren’t many that deal with men rejecting women. But then, aren’t men always supposed to be ready for sex?
Turns out, they’re not. And when men don’t want to put out, women aren’t laughing about it.
Kristy, a 29-year-old copy editor from Morningside Heights, was shocked when her boyfriend stopped having sex with her. After a four-month dry spell, she began attempting seduction tricks.
“I tried all kinds of terrible women’s-magazine things,” she says. “I went to Agent Provocateur and spent money I didn’t have on a sexy lacy bra. I don’t think he even noticed.” They broke up shortly thereafter.
Catherine, 24, from Crown Heights, had similar problems. She felt her boyfriend would punish her by withholding sex, and seemed repulsed when she tried to initiate things. “Because he wasn’t willing to do it in the morning or acted like trying a new position was the weirdest request I could’ve made, I felt like I was some sort of pervert,” Catherine says.
Men: Never turn down sex. This is the reason women in bars aren’t hitting on you.
Kidding! Men have the same right to turn down sex that women do — but women do seem more devastated by it. If you’re a woman who has grown up hearing that men want to have sex all the time, being turned down by your partner can make you feel like you must be hideous. Or really bad in bed.
Maybe some women are. Dirk, a 28-year-old entrepreneur living in Hell’s Kitchen, says that one reason men withdraw in the bedroom is because some “women don’t want to be sexual with a guy until after there’s some sort of committed relationship established. Then the sex happens. And sheer novelty keeps it between OK and good for the first three weeks. Then the novelty wears off and a guy might realize he’s got this girl he’s seeing, whom he likes a lot, but the sex is terrible.”
No wonder women feel insecure. But sometimes, men are just feeling bad about things entirely unrelated to the relationship.
Hugo Schwyzer, a professor of gender studies at Pasadena City College, claims that much of the time, it’s not you, it’s him.
“Men are turned on by their own success. Get a job? Get a promotion? Bam, you’re ready to go,” Schwyzer says. “Lose your job? Move back in with your parents? You don’t feel sexy. Failure, real or perceived, acts as a depressant.”
So before you decide it’s all your fault, ladies, check to see if it could really be his boss’s fault.
There are ways to fix the problem. Sex therapist Stephen Snyder says that you can check to see if there any physical issues, and express additional erotic interest. Another key thing to remember as a female partner is to “cut way down on criticism and complaining. Especially on complaining regarding lack of sex.”
Or, you can break up, and find someone who loves your lacy bra and morning sex.
Molly, a 37-year-old television producer from Prospect Heights had a boyfriend of seven years who wanted sex only twice a month. She says, “Color me surprised when we broke up and I dated someone new, and he not only wanted to have sex with me more than twice a month, but more than two times a night. I literally didn’t think a man was capable of that!”
Guess she had the last laugh.