SHIELDED: “Vikings” is long on corny dialogue but short on a good story. The History Channel miniseries premieres Sunday night. (
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Buoyed by the magnificent success of the magnificent “Hatfields & McCoys,” History Channel has plunged headlong into the scripted TV business.
They’ve got two — count ’em two — miniseries premiering Sunday night.
First up is “The Bible,” followed by “Vikings,” written by Michael Hirst, the genius who created, among others, “The Borgias” and “The Tudors.”
“The Tudors” (a personal fave) was historical, sumptuous and sexy, with the best-looking cast ever assembled for the small screen in all history.
It was, simply enough, one of the best historical series ever on TV. The same can’t be said for “Vikings.” It’s not even one of the almost-best.
“Vikings” is, for the most part, a ponderous, go-nowhere series that, ironically enough, is all about going somewhere — “West” to be precise.
Loosely based on the mythologized Viking Ragnar Lothbrok (Travis Fimmel) — with the rest of the characters composites of people who may or may not have existed — the series is kind of like a Viking version of “Spartacus” without the boobs.
At least there’s no danger of anyone singing “I Saw Your Boobs,” about this series at next year’s awards shows.
“Vikings” charts Ragnar’s voyages across the oceans against the will of the local lord, Earl Haraldson (Gabriel Byrne), who only wants everyone to “go East, young man, go East,” when Ragnar just wants to go West.
Anyway, Ragnar is married to the feminist, sword-wielding Lagertha (Katheryn Winnick), also known as “Shield Maiden,” who kicks the crap out of everyone — not just out of her husband when he won’t take her on his epic voyage. “This was going to be the most exciting voyage of our lives” she cries like a disappointed cruise ship passenger.
When she finally gets to go with Ragnar, she kicks the crap out of a man, then kills him for raping a captive. I always thought rape is what Vikings did when they weren’t pillaging and plundering, but what do I know?
The Earl’s wife, Siggy (Jessalyn Gilsig), on the other hand, is a non-warrior wife, who is equally dangerous because she flirts with all the men so her husband can kill them for disloyalty. Yes.
Anyway, for his first epic, illegal voyage, Ragnar and his men sail across the ocean in a brilliantly designed long boat built by local nut job Floki (Gustaf Skarsgard), who wears more eyeliner than Liza Minnelli.
They land in England, whereupon Ragnar, his brother Rollo (Clive Standen)and Ragnar’s warrior/sailors — whose numbers seem to change as rapidly as the size of the long boat — raid a monastery and immediately kill most of the monks — because, well, just because. But Ragnar takes a shine to one young cleric, Athelstan (George Blagden), who luckily speaks Viking.
So Ragnar takes him home to his wife, who would like to kick the crap out of him, too, especially when he refuses to have a three-way with them.
When hubby breaks down and takes her on his next epic voyage, she leaves the monk to baby-sit the kids.
He’s like Nana in “Peter Pan.”
Meantime, the real threat to the Lothbrok brood is the Earl of Hair Extensions, (Byrne). He tells Ragnar early on, “You insulted me — and not for the first time. But believe me, it will be the last.”
Not really. Ragnar keeps insulting him through the remaining episodes and keeps sailing the ocean as well.
The series has a huge amount of sword-fighting, plundering, non-graphic sex (no nudity) and bloodshed, which will appeal to fans of the genre,
The acting is not great — Fimmel has two expressions, smirk and non-smirk — and the dialogue has hilarious lines like, “Don’t insult me, Shield Maiden!”
If you will miss “Spartacus” when it ends — and you like your history with a big dose of campy fun — this one’s for you, Shield Maiden.