YOU’RE KIDDING, RIGHT?: Jenner (left) and the infamous Tiffany pen (right). (
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Does this bribe make me look fat?
It does? Damn!
Then I better pull on some giant Spanx before I go out in public with my new sterling silver Tiffany bribe that Kris Jenner sent me. I don’t want to embarrass a Kardashian by looking like a big ass or anything.
What am I talking about? My first ever bribe, baby, that’s what!
Here’s how I came to be a proud bribee: On Tuesday, I wrote a review of “Kris,” a horrible new talk show by the mother of all self-promoters, Kris Jenner.
A few hours later, a messenger arrived at The Post bearing a dozen Magnolia cupcakes (see the need for Spanx, above) and one $325 sterling silver Tiffany pen. With a note.
At first I thought maybe a grateful reader wanted to reward me for saying that Kris came across like a demented Norma Desmond, or that she had as much right to have a talk show as her talentless daughter had for hosting a talent show.
But nooo.
It was from Norma herself — Kris Jenner — who somehow thought it would be a great idea to send a journalist a hugely expensive pen with a note saying that I could use it to write her a better review next time.
And you thought the fake wedding was bad form.
I was concerned. Had Jenner’s publicist fallen into a debilitating coma and wasn’t able to tell her that reporters aren’t allowed to accept bribes — and that, in real life, people don’t get expensive free stuff for media whoring? Well, not all the time, anyway.
So, Kris, let’s get something straight right here, right now. I cannot be bought — for a pen. A pen and pencil set, maybe — but just a pen?
To improve your rating, Mrs. Kardashian-Jenner, either you somehow become interesting, which given the data seems as likely as the pope turning Jewish, or you do better with the bribes.
To guarantee that great four-star rating next time, simply follow this handy, sliding scale ratings chart:
Four stars — A new Lamborghini — and not the model car version either!
Three stars — Two crocodile Birkin bags.
Two stars — Set of very big studs — diamond, not Chippendale’s.
One star — How dare you think I can be bribed!
No stars: Keep on doing what you’re doing.