As the saying goes, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. And, Hollywood filmmakers don’t seem to remember how bad so many movies from the 1980s were — they’ve been remaking them as fast as they can for years.
This alarming trend crests this week with the long-threatened remake of “RoboCop,’’ as well as updated versions of “About Last Night’’ and “Endless Love.’’
They’re the latest in a long string of 21st-century ’80s remakes that include such critical and box-office duds as “Fame,’’ “Red Dawn,’’ “Arthur’’ and “Footloose” — as well as just about every horror film from that era you could possibly think of (and many you won’t remember).
That’s not even including the era’s TV shows, which have sired such cinematic horrors as “The Dukes of Hazzard,’’ “The A-Team” and the unforgettable (believe me, I’ve tried) “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.’’
Already before the cameras, or in the works, are remakes of “Escape From New York,’’ “Romancing the Stone,’’ “WarGames,’’ “Short Circuit,’’ “Dirty Dancing,’’ “The Monster Squad,’’ “Fletch,’’ “Revenge of the Nerds’’ and many, many more.
Also in the hopper are a couple of ’80s titles that were new versions of earlier films, “Scarface’’ and “The Thing.’’
Enough already! As someone who saw virtually every film released during the 1980s — and reviewed hundreds of them — I can attest that decade has a good claim to being Hollywood’s absolute nadir in terms of quality, with schlock like “Max Dugan Returns’’ delivered on a weekly basis.
Of course, that’s not going to stop producers who loved, say, “Weekend at Bernie’s’’ or “Mannequin’’ when they were 12 from “reimagining’’ them for today’s audiences.
Or a studio executive from studying DVD sales figures for, say, a beloved title like “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’’ and saying, “Well, maybe lightning will strike twice.’’ (It probably won’t, pal.)
Even back in the ’80s, reboots were a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t genre.
If the original was actually a good movie (as was the case with “RoboCop’’), why bother risking comparison with a remake? Today the 1983 “Scarface’’ is considered a classic, but it certainly wasn’t to the many people who streamed out of the premiere.
And if the original was regarded as one of the worst movies of the era — the Brooke Shields vehicle “Endless Love’’ — well, maybe there was a good reason the material didn’t work the first time around.
“About Last Night’’ is a particularly interesting test case. David Mamet’s play “Sexual Perversity in Chicago’’ (the title was changed because movie theater owners balked) — a pointed romantic comedy about Chicago Jews — was considerably revamped to provide Rob Lowe, Demi Moore, James Belushi and Elizabeth Perkins with arguably the best film any of them ever appeared in.
Referring to a mercifully forgotten film that yielded the term “the Brat Pack classic,” the late critic Gene Siskel wrote: “This is the yuppie drama that ‘St. Elmo’s Fire’ wanted to be but wasn’t.’’
What are the odds, then, that this near-miracle will happen again for the re-deracinated version starring black actors Kevin Hart, Michael Ealy, Regina Hall and Joy Bryant?
Hart is red-hot at the box-office right now, thanks to “Ride Along.’’ So even if this gets terrible reviews (as almost all remakes do), it may very well join the select company of non-horror revisits that actually make money, like the bloated remake of “The Karate Kid’’ with Will Smith’s son, Jaden — or the dreadful revamp of “Clash of the Titans’’ with eye-straining 3-D.
For nearly 20 years, the ’80s have held a stranglehold on popular culture — the eponymous “I Love the ’80s’’ has been running on VH1 for longer than the decade it memorializes.
Though there have been several attempts, nostalgia for the 1990s has never really caught on so far.
But who knows, maybe someone can make “Last Action Hero’’ work a second time around.
Hollywood churned out a lot of awful movies in the 1980s. Here are 10 of the very worst:
Heaven’s Gate (1980)
Michael Cimino’s bloated and incoherent Western went so far over budget it put United Artists out of business.
Endless Love (1981)
Franco Zeffirelli’s inane vehicle for a post-“Blue Lagoon’’ Brooke Shields is probably the most misguided literary adaptation of its era.
Inchon (1981)
Sponsored by the Unification Church, this ludicrous depiction of the Korean War starred Laurence Olivier in waxworks makeup as Gen. Douglas MacArthur.
Mommie Dearest (1981)
“No more wire hangers!’’ exclaims Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford in this campfest derived from daughter Christina Crawford’s salacious memoir.
Howard the Duck (1986)
Prince made his directorial debut and starred in this stultifying black-and-white vanity project set on the French Riviera.
Ishtar (1987)
Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman played struggling songwriters involved in Middle Eastern intrigue in Elaine May’s brutally unfunny comedy — a famed flop.
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)
The Cannon Films schlockmeisters nearly destroyed the franchise with this putrid installment featuring Christopher Reeve’s final appearance as the Man of Steel.
Leonard Part 6 (1987)
Star/producer Bill Cosby, who also wrote the story, personally apologized for this abysmal spy spoof.
Mac & Me (1988)
Ronald McDonald made his film debut in the worst of the decade’s many “E.T.” knockoffs, which also aggressively promoted Coca Cola.