Internet writers have a saying: “Never read the comments.” That’s because the anonymous trolls who delight in spewing bile for sport will only give you a nasty case of day-ruining, non-constructive agita.
Unfortunately for me, that sound advice went out the window when I heard about the new service Lulu — essentially, a Yelp for reviews of dudes, by women who know them. I fell victim to my own curiosity, even though I was well aware it would likely be the death of the meager self-confidence I’ve cobbled together over 32 years, with mostly failed relationships.
Lulu is essentially a girls-only app: Ladies log in with Facebook information, find a man they’re friends with, they’ve dated or with whom they’ve had a “sleepover,” and then rank them on commitment, appearance, sex and manners. In a little less than a year, the app has amassed 3 million users and 500 million profile views.
But the more fun part is the pre-set hashtags: Positive ones to choose from include #lovesbabies, #willhelpyoumove and #christiangrey; negative ones include #tribaltat, #plays didgeridoo and the lethal #owns crocs. There are no written comments, which the app’s creators said they left out to keep things civil.
I borrowed a female friend’s phone (guys can log into the app to see how many girls have viewed their profile, but only girls can see the details of the ratings and tags) for a look at the cold, hard truth.
Lo and behold, not only did I have reviews — they were pretty decent. As of press time, I have two ratings — one from a “friend” who gave me a low ranking on “commitment” (accurate). The other comes from a former hookup and clocks in at a stellar 8.9, with high marks for #sexmoves (why, thank you!) #nerdybutilikeit (indubitably!) and #localceleb (only true if you count pun competitions).
This mystery girl, however, deducted points for #cheaper thanabigmac (hey, some would say frugality is sexy) #airguitarist (huh?) and #noedge.
That last one cut deep — and made me consider all the ways I’ve come across as lame, square or somehow too safe with a girl.
“FINE!” I wanted to scream. “I’ll start doing drugs and getting into fights and frickin’ heli-ski without a helmet while double-dipping my chips and not checking the expiration date on that hummus.”
You see? This is why you don’t read the comments.
One might notice there is no version of this where guys rate girls — because if there were, the entire world would be charred and burned by the armies of rage, led by apoplectic hordes of women demanding blood for creation of this sexist, objectifying service. And they’d be justified, of course. But guys, let’s face it: After generations of frat-house bros who talk about women like they’re Russian judges scoring a high dive, we probably deserve some of this. And men don’t seem to mind: More than 500,000 guys have actually requested to be reviewed.
None of my lady friends in the target market of 20- and 30-somethings would admit they actually used Lulu for anything more than having a giggle fit over which of our friends had a “#shouldcomewithawarning tag (though I suspect some of them use Lulu secretly at night).
All told, would I want a girl looking me up before we went out? It doesn’t look like it would hurt my chances at all, but I think being surprised is part of the fun.
And if that’s not edgy enough for you, I’ve got some sweet air-guitar moves I think you’re gonna love.