Simon Doonan has survived many a Fashion Week. This month the creative ambassador for Barneys recounts some of his craziest moments working in the fashion industry with his new memoir, “The Asylum.” From the Greenwich Village apartment he shares with husband Jonathan Adler, Doonan provides his tips to survive the madness that is Fashion Week, which continues in New York until Thursday.
If your name isn’t on the list
“If you show up, and your name is not on the list, it’s very undignified to throw a hissy fit. Always pretend like it’s of no consequence to you. If your name isn’t on the list, just say, ‘Oh well, now I can go to the movies.’ You have to rise above it.”
If you fall on the runway
“Every few seasons a model trips and falls on the runway, and it becomes this huge thing. What it really says is that so little happens at Fashion Week. We could sit here and list the girls who have fallen over. If I was a model, at least once or twice I would just hurl myself off the runway. Because that’s how the blogosphere works. Suddenly you’re an Internet star. As [you’re] cascading to the floor, just remember, ‘I’m about to become hugely famous.’ Because fashion [bloggers] have a dearth of stuff to write about. She’s going to be on every blog imaginable — especially if there’s a gash in her head!”
If someone wants to take your photo
“As you get older, lighting becomes increasingly important. If you can’t be bothered to get a face-lift, then make sure you’re backlit. I make sure there are always blasts of klieg lights behind me so I’m hauntingly silhouetted.”
If you can’t see the show because someone is holding up an iPhone in front of you
“You can say, ‘Oh, excuse me, madam, would you mind lowering your device?’ If they refuse, put them in a headlock and cause a big scene.”
If someone is sitting in your seat
“You have two choices. you get all sort of ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ on them and say things like, ‘I will come at you. I will cut you.’ Or ask one of the p.r. people to check the list and deal with the situation for you. It’s up to you and how feisty you’re feeling.”
If you can’t find a cab
“If I miss the Barneys car, I can just scrounge a lift with someone. When you get to a certain age — I’m 61 in October — you can be cheeky. I can say, ‘Oh, give us a lift, darling, I promise not to talk. You can check your BlackBerry.’ Keep in mind there are 8 billion shows. There are more shows than you need to go to. If you don’t show up, believe me, some little arriviste will push their way in and sit in your seat.”
If the ceiling falls down during a show
“That has happened on a number of occasions. In my book, I refer to the famous occasion when Michael Kors’ ceiling caved in [Fall 1991]. I was speaking to [New York Fashion Week creator] Fern Mallis, and she told me that was the beginning of the tents in Bryant Park.
“A light track fell down at DVF a few years ago, and people were taken out on stretchers. I didn’t write about it because it didn’t seem funny. It wasn’t so happy. It was a little horrifying.
“You have to keep calm and carry on. If it’s a real problem and people have been injured, then you have to get out of the way so people can get in and help them.”
If someone is wearing the same outfit as you
“If someone was wearing the same outfit as me, I would feel sorry for them. I dress very much to please and amuse myself. I’m more like Snooki. I’m one of those people who doesn’t expect people to copy them.
“If that moment happens when someone is wearing the same thing as them, women don’t know whether to feel validated or invalidated. It causes this weird crisis. They should just find it very amusing – and make sure Bill Cunningham takes their picture with their new twinsie.”
If you’re hungry
“They should serve food at fashion shows. Imagine if Narciso Rodriguez or Diane Von Furstenberg came down the runway with a little cart giving people healthy snacks. If they serve food at sporting events, then why not? I’m so old I was actually part of the counterculture health food movement. I went to college in 1969, so I was eating wheat germ and all that crazy s–t. I recommend that. Get up in the morning and eat a big bowl of oatmeal if you think you’re going to skip lunch.”
If you spot a celebrity
“You can go up to any celebrity, you just better have some mother-lovin’ thing to say. That’s the mistake people make — you can charge up to anyone, but you can’t just stare at them like they’re a talking cat. Even at my J-list celebrity level, people will come up to me and stare like I’m some sort of circus novelty — which you could forgive them for thinking.
“It’s not hard. Just take a moment. Think, ‘I loved you in —.’ I don’t think, ‘Can I take a picture with you?’ is a substitute for having something good to say. It’s sort of creepy. It shows a sort of strange lack of empathy. If I saw Faye Dunaway in public, I’d say, ‘It’s not true about “Mommie Dearest.” You were incredible!’”