Let’s face it, kids: Pilots suck. That’s why Mama always waits until a show has gotten four to five episodes under its belt before really rating its worthiness. Here, then, is Drama Mama’s home-schooling report card on this season’s freshmen:
* “Trauma” (Monday, 9 p.m., NBC): There’s probably only room for one well-acted-but-seen-it-before NBC drama in Mama’s life (until last week, we called it “Southland”), but “Trauma” avails itself pretty well with good production values and hottie-in-a-helicopter Cliff Curtis. Is it going to set the world on fire? No. But it ain’t bad. GRADE: B
* “The Forgotten” (Tuesday, 10 p.m., ABC): The preposterous premise of civilians responsible for ID-ing dead people hasn’t gotten any more credible with familiarity. Christian Slater is competent, but his supporting cast is strictly Stock Ensemble 101, and the stories rely on as much coincidence and deductive ingenuity as an Archie comic. And enough, already, with the no capital letters. It was cute in 1987. GRADE: D+
* “Melrose Place” (Tuesday, 9 p.m., CW): Alums Thomas Calabro and Josie Bisset have barely aged, but the new principal cast could still use more seasoning. The who-killed-Sydney (again) central mystery is turgid, and Mama has yet to feel sympathy OR contempt for any of the main characters. Yet, like the first season of the original “Melrose,” Heather Locklear looms on the horizon, so judgment is withheld—for now. GRADE: INCOMPLETE
* “The Good Wife” (Tuesday, 10 p.m., CBS): When you adopt a central premise so timely—a wife of a disgraced politician trying to recreate her life independently—why waste it by filling hours with standard-issue legal stories? Julianna Margulies is capable of better, and the excellent supporting players are wasted with rote, colorless dialogue. Mama’s biggest disappointment of the season. GRADE: C
* “Mercy” (Wednesday, 8 p.m., NBC): So, “ER” got one more season after all! GRADE: C+
* “Eastwick” (Wednesday, 10 p.m., ABC): Yes, this show has that stereotypical tinkling piano music when it’s trying to be cute, and the acting is too hammy by a third. But the slowly unfolding “Eastwick,” like Darryl Van Horne himself, has charmed Mama with its panache and sensuality. A little less “Desperate Housewives” patois would go a long way in making this the original hit of the season. GRADE: A-
* “Flash Forward” (Thursday, 8 p.m., ABC): Despite having one of the best pilots of this year’s crop, “FF” is getting tedious quickly with more dry exposition than an episode of “Nova” and characters flatter than the screen Mama is watching. If this thing is going to succeed “Lost,” the writers and actors have to convince us why we should care about these people. GRADE: C+
* “Vampire Diaries” (Thursday, 8 p.m., CW): OK, the guys are hot. But “VD” (uh, note to self, do not abbreviate) is still trying too hard to differentiate itself from grandmother-of-the-genre “Buffy” and current favorite son “True Blood” with too much backstory and not enough present-day meat for viewers to sink their teeth into. This sucker is getting harder to follow than Joss Whedon’s new show, and that’s not a good thing. GRADE: B-NEGATIVE
“Three Rivers” (Sunday, 9 p.m., CBS): Good television for those who have never seen a television show before. GRADE: D