“Line of Fire” [ ] (two stars)
Tonight at 10 on ABC
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NETWORK TV should stop making gangster shows. They don’t work. Not anymore. Not since “The Sopranos” ruined them for everyone else.
Why? Because “The Sopranos” got it right while the networks still get it completely wrong.
Mobsters don’t look like models. They don’t have great hair that tumbles.
They don’t ever – did I mention ever? – deliberately have stubble or wear black jeans and shearling jackets à la Steve McQueen circa 1968.
Instead, mobsters wear terrible velor sweats, and their suits that have too much tailoring and too little style.
And ABC’s new show “Line of Fire,” which must have hired Barney’s to do the costumes, gets the mobsters, their clothes, their lifestyles, and their behavior about as wrong as is humanly possible.
That said, I will also mention that “Line of Fire” doesn’t get the FBI right either. FBI agents generally do not look like agents who model on the side, either. They don’t go to work with cleavage and they don’t sleep in push-up bras.
The days of models-as-tough guys went out with “Miami Vice.” Networks: Stop trying to be what you’ll never be, already, and try to make a show worth watching.
That said, let me tell you what works in “Line of Fire.” For one thing the premise is a good one. It shows the parallel lives of FBI agents in Virginia and the “bad guys” (agents’ favorite term) the FBI is trying to catch.
The baddest bad guy is the mob syndicate boss with the unlikely name of Jonah Malloy played by the unlikely David Paymer. Paymer looks as much like an Irish thug as I do.
I assume they were going for the young Uncle Jr. look, but it doesn’t work. He’s just not a scary guy no matter how many thugs he kills. It’s like running away from your accountant. I run from mine, but it’s because he always wants me to file my taxes – not because I’m afraid he’ll set me on fire and break my legs.
The head fed is Lisa Cohen played by the wonderful Leslie Hope (“24“), who is also too good looking for the job. Her staff is made up of equally good looking people, none of whom have her ability to be so believable as to make you overlook her looks.
There are, of course, the young brash rookies and the rogue undercover agent, Roy Ravelle (gorgeous Anson Mount) who, for reasons not made clear – or maybe believable – has been taken under the wing of the dreaded Jonah Malloy much to the consternation of Malloy’s usual right-hand mangler Stubbs played by Brian Goodman of the Steve McQueen clothing and looks.
In the premiere, two FBI rookies, after squabbling, are assigned together to Richmond, Va. This happens after rookie agent Todd Stevens (Jeffrey D. Sams) cheats on his exam and is found out by rookie agent Paige Van Doren (Leslie Bibb). Luckily for Stevens, he gets to save Van Doren from drowning, thus proving that he’s not all bad; he’s a knight in shining armor.
Instead of coming up with original ideas, “Line of Fire” rehashes the old patriotic mobster-who-doesn’t-like-drugs routine.
What’s even more curious is that the FBI doesn’t nail the guy for getting an old lady shot by mistake. The agents are more dangerous than the D.C. sniper.
What really got my head shaking, however, are the scenes when the feds raid a mob nest and all those models go running into dangerous situations to arrest the equally attractive mobsters. Ludicrous.
That aside, there are some good things here.
The plots are good, if not original, and so far they’ve managed to avoid the pole-dancing girl in the bikini in the nudie-bar scene, which is regulation in shows like this. The acting is very good – don’t hate them because they’re beautiful – and the idea for the show is a good one.
No, it ain’t “The Sopranos” and it ain’t “NYPD Blue,” but it ain’t so bad that it doesn’t stand a chance.