THE sign outside the major electronics chain store was big and inviting:
YES! WE HAVE THE YANKEES!
The men behind the counter were friendly and helpful and brimming with optimism.
“Everybody who has it loves it,” one of them said.
“We’re selling a ton of them,” the other said. “Thank heavens for all this controversy.”
How long, I wondered, would it take for me, too, to “Feel the Joy” of Yankee baseball in “dynamic digital-quality picture and sound,” to quote from the advertising literature?
“Couple of days,” one of the men assured me.
On the one hand, an April without the Yankees wasn’t all bad. I had more time to spend with the kids, and to discover the pleasures of non-sports programming, like “The Osbournes” and Knicks basketball.
On the other hand, it forced me to listen to Charley Steiner.
That clinched it. This would be the day that I finally freed myself from the tyranny of Cablevision and said YES to DirecTV.
“We’ll have you watching the Yankees again in no time,” the man said.
Forty-five minutes later and more than $300 poorer, I staggered out with a big box in one hand, a bagful of supplies in the other and no idea when, if ever, I would see a Yankee game again outside of a Free Baseball Friday.
The fantasy is, you walk in, plunk down a credit card, and before you can say cathode ray tube, Chuck and Jimmy Dolan fade out. Derek and Jason and Mariano fade in, in all their digital splendor.
The reality is that switching over from the Yankee-less wasteland of Cablevision to “the best TV experience around” is about as painless as a root canal.
The DirecTV come-on is irresistible: Free installation, a $50 rebate on the first month’s programming and a $38 basic monthly package that includes the YES Network and its 130 Yankee games.
But, in practice, there are enough hassles and hidden costs to bring a smile to Chuck Dolan’s waxy old lips.
First of all, although the number of people who have dumped Cablevision for the dish hasn’t been enough to get the Dolans’ attention, it seems to be driving DirecTV batty.
For instance, I wanted three receivers. I could only have one. And the promise of two more in “a couple of days.”
Meanwhile, the “couple of days” wait I was promised for installation turned into “at least a week, maybe two” once my credit card had been swiped. (Don’t you love that word in this context?)
Next, I learned one of the most inconvenient aspects of installing DirecTV.
Every one of its set-top receivers must be connected to a working telephone line.
If you don’t think this is a big deal, think about where your phones are right now. Next, think about where your TVs are. Now, start drilling holes.
Finally, you have to deal with the DirecTV customer service reps.
Mine kept me on the phone longer than it takes Steve Trachsel to get three outs. She needed my name, rank, serial number, Social Security number, mother’s maiden name, visible scars and known aliases in order to run a credit check before she would entrust me with a monthly account.
Once she was satisfied I could pay the monthly bill, the rep laid out the ground rules.
“If you don’t activate this account within 30 days, you may be charged a $150 non-activation fee.”
“Uh-huh.”
“You must maintain a monthly account of at least $31.99 a month for 12 months or you may be charged a $150 non-maintenance fee.”
“Uh-huh.”
“If you cancel within 90 days, you may be charged a $150 cancellation fee.”
“Now just a minute,” I said. “I may be charged, or I will be charged?”
“You may be charged, sir.”
“Under what circumstances may I not be charged?”
“Well, if you’ve been a good customer, if you pay your bill on time, if you . . . “
“How about if lose my temper, raise a stink, curse out your supervisor, call for your job, or write a column about this in a New York newspaper?”
“I don’t know, sir. It’s determined by the people in our front office. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
Just the bill.
Out-of-pocket cost for one basic RCA DirecTV system-satellite dish, receiver, remote control and cable – plus two additional receivers (still to come), a four-way multi-switch and enough telephone wire to tie up Alexander Graham Bell?
$307.52.
Monthly payment? $72.99 a month.
Getting a DirecTV installation truck to my house?
Priceless. And for now, hopeless.