DAMN the writers – damn them!
Why, oh why, couldn’t they wait a few more weeks before settling the strike that will allow the Academy Awards to go on this year?
Not only go on, but in its usual scripted version? You know the script I’m talking about. The one in which terrifyingly banal banter breaks out between actor-presenters just before they rip open the winning envelopes faster than your cousin Lenny at his Bar Mitzvah.
She: “Brad, I’m so excited that we’re presenting the Best Actor Oscar tonight. What a thrill.”
He: “Oh, sure, easy for you to say, Ange, you’ve already won an Academy Award and are up for another one tonight! Me? I’m just your arm candy!” Sad face.
She: “Oh, honey, don’t feel bad. Remember, you and Tom Cruise did win that Razzie back in ’95 for Worst Screen Couple for your work on “Interview With a Vampire!”
Cut to a two-shot of Tom Cruise, laughing heartily, forelocks a-floppin’, giant choppers flashing, while giggling soulmate-in-Scientology Katie Holmes smiles up at her beloved with that cheerleader-meets-Nancy Reagan gaze.
And not one second of any of it will be believable!
Of course, there’s the horrifyingly over-produced Best Song extravaganzas to look forward to. If the Oscars had been canceled, this is honestly the only thing I’d miss. Terribly.
Who could ever forget Rob Lowe dancing with Snow White and those giant pieces of choreographed furniture?
But even if they aren’t this horrible, you know there are always at least two musical numbers so shameful that they would make even the late Bob Fosse, that one-and-two-and-three-and-bump-and-grind-and-tilt-that-hat guy, cringe with shame.
This year, of course, it’ll all be tragically business as usual – with everyone throwing themselves all over Daniel Day-Lewis.
Am I crazy or can somebody explain why he’s always nominated? I mean, every time the guy puts on a funny hat, sticks his behind out like he’s got curvature of the spine and puts on some bizarre accent, the Hollywood crowd goes berserk.
This year, he’s up for best over-actor in “There Will Be Blood.” Got some cheese for that ham?
Finally, for embarrassing, there’s the Lifetime Achievement Award. Or as Marlene Dietrich said: “The Academy has the horrible taste to have a star choking with emotion, present this deathbed award so that there can be no doubt in anybody’s mind why the award is so hurriedly given. Lucky is the actor who is too sick to watch the proceedings on television.”
What’s not to love?