Just when you thought they’d gone away, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are at it again. The two blonds (stars of the MTV pseudo-reality series “The Hills”) will release a new book, “How To Be Famous,” next week. The book, which takes a grand total of 45 minutes to read, features a confused cover that isn’t sure whether it wants to emulate Us Weekly or National Geographic and an acknowledgements section that thanks Jesus and Perez Hilton in the same sentence. But perhaps most entertaining is the “advice” the pair dole out. The Post read the book — so you don’t have to — and picked out a few of the best tidbits.
* ON PLAYING THE BOMBSHELL:
You gotta play the bad girl, Montag says, and even offers up some impromptu dating advice to this end: “Remember, the good girl is the one who gets dumped all the time,” she cautions. “And more often than not, she gets dumped for the bitch! How many ‘Brad left Jen for Angelina’ stories do you need to hear to know this?”
* ON MAKING NICE WITH THE PAPS:
You need the photographers on your side, say Montag and Pratt. But being camera-happy is only half the job: “Take a second to look at your surroundings and, if possible, incorporate them,” they say. “Is it the holiday season? Find a guy dressed as Santa Claus and sit on his lap.” And never, ever hide your beautiful self — “unless you’re really ugly, and if you are, you may want to skip ahead to the plastic surgery chapter.”
They also recommend being photographed in the early morning or early evening. “But are you really getting up this early?” they wonder about the 6 to 9 a.m. window. Um, those of us with real jobs, yes.
* ON PLAYING THE VILLAIN:
Pratt believes if you pick a worthy adversary and hone in on him, not only will that person pay attention, but everyone else will. “There is no greater pleasure on Earth than tweaking someone who is just simply asking for it.”
* ON HOW TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE:
You must work your relationships to the fullest, they advise. And yes, this includes the good, the bad and the ugly: “Remember that every little fight with the person you’re dating should become a headline.” Is your significant other not quite up to your standards or level of famewhore-dom? Ditch him or her: “As you move along through the dating world, we suggest that you upgrade whenever possible.” Because if you’re not famous, what’s the point of love?
* ON THE NECESSITY OF PLASTIC SURGERY:
“It’s your JOB to look good,” insists Montag, because evil magazine editors are constantly zooming in on every picture to make you look bad. “Nobody’s born perfect, but you CAN get there if you want by working hard at it and letting the beauty of modern science handle the rest.” Heidi Montag: crushing the self-esteem of impressionable teenage girls everywhere.
christina.amoroso@nypost.com