Sports

ESPN has everything covered — but sports

SIGNALS CROSSED:So what if Sammy Baugh (above, playing for the Washington Redskins) is in the Pro Football Hall of Fame and was an All-American at TCU? According to ESPN, Andy Dalton, now with the Bengals, is the greatest QB TCU ever had. (ap)

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What sounds do the other animals make when they’ve had it, when they can’t take it anymore?

What noises do cuckoo birds and loons and stool pigeons, sitting ducks and lame ducks make? How about the dog tired, the trapped rat, the snake in the grass, the stubborn mule and the scaped goat?

Yes, I have lost it. But, like any potted plant, I’ve earned it.

It took only the first weekend of the college football season for the nonsense regularly delivered by ESPN’s on- and off-air experts (and everywhere else on TV, for that matter) to kick in.

Friday’s TCU-Baylor game began with analyst Rod Gilmore’s reminder that quarterback Andy Dalton is now in the NFL, thus TCU no longer has “probably the greatest QB in their entire history.”

Good grief, had he never heard of Sammy Baugh? Or is it that sports prior to ESPN is ignored, unknown or unworthy? Or perhaps Dalton scored higher than Baugh on ESPN’s new QB ratings?

During the game, sideline throws toward the bottom of the screen disappeared behind ESPN graphics. But that’s OK; nearly every telecast on ESPN places a greater emphasis on showing graphics than showing the game.

And on ESPN, it’s always about the next thing; it’s never about the event that it begged you to watch during the previous thing. Two minutes into the first quarter, ESPN presented this graphic: “NEXT — SPORTSCENTER.”

“That’s in 3½ hours!” noted reader Chris Dellecese. “That qualifies as ‘next’?”

And, because TCU was ranked 14th, its loss ignited shouts of “stunning” and “shocking” upset! Did it matter that the game was at Baylor? Did it matter that TCU was favored by just 4½? Heck, no! Things that matter a lot don’t matter much to most of TV’s experts!

Saturday’s “ESPN College Gameday” included a terrific piece about the response to Alabama center Carson Tinker, who was injured and his girlfriend killed when a tornado tore through Tuscaloosa in April.

But ESPN couldn’t let it end there. Everything on ESPN, including tragedy, must be attached to a sell. The piece concluded with a reminder that ESPN will air a documentary on the Alabama-Auburn rivalry — over two months from now! Yep, Alabama-Auburn is Nov. 26, and ESPN is a big business partner of the SEC.

The pathetic wrap-up to this piece inspired reader Sam Myers of Sag Harbor to ask, “Is nothing, literally nothing, sacred to ESPN?”

Saturday’s games on ESPN included something called an “Impact Player Tracker,” the latest jelly-headed excuse for ESPN to clutter the screen with even more ridiculous graphics, the kind that are supposed to show how sharp ESPN is but only prove the opposite.

During Akron-Ohio State, ESPN felt the need to show us that Buckeyes “impact player” Corey Brown had one catch for 6 yards. But Ohio State was up 28-0! The impact of this impact player’s impact was irrelevant!

Saturday night, a crawl on ABC’s Oregon-LSU carried this breaking news: “You are watching college football on ABC.”

“I’m glad they told me that,” wrote Kenny Gibe of Uniondale. “I thought I was watching the Stanley Cup Finals and couldn’t figure why the ice was green.”

It took just the first weekend of college football for ESPN to again prove that its two primary weaknesses are TV and sports. But it’s always good to come out of a Chris Berman restaurant commercial and go back to Brent Musburger, ain’t it?

Even upper crust has no dough for this

Lots of empty seats were seen Sunday on CBS for Andy RoddickJulien Benneteau. Lots of empty seats were seen all week. Has the U.S. Open become another New York event now priced so high that even the wealthy can’t justify the expense?

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Ticket requests to the Kentucky Derby will now carry a $50 administrative fee — non-refundable! In other words, you must make a $50 bet on getting tickets, with plenty of losers.

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With Roger Clemens‘ perjury prosecution green-lighted, we recall this missive from Doc C.L., MD: “Why, why, why inject your backside with Lidocaine [as Clemens claims was all that Brian McNamee performed on him]? It’s a local anesthetic. That part of Clemens’ story makes no sense. Do you pitch better with a numb butt?”

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As colleague C.J. Sullivan notes, every one of Showtime’s first eight episodes of “The Franchise,” a show that follows the San Francisco Giants, begins with team announcer Duane Kuiper hollering, “For the first time in 52 years, the Giants are World Champions.” The Giants’ World Series win, last year, was their first in 56 years.

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Reader David Distefano: “The Yanks recalled Scott Proctor, meaning I again must endure Suzyn Waldman‘s pronunciation — ‘Scawt Prawctuh.’ “

YES, they continue to offend

YES’ Yankees telecasts continue to, well, insult.

Yesterday, Michael Kay was completely stuck to explain why Robinson Cano has such a high career batting average against the Orioles. Try this one: Since Cano has been in the majors, the Orioles have been a bad team with consistently bad pitching, the kind seen yesterday. And they play the Yankees a lot. Whattya think?

As for Cano, in a one-run game he didn’t initially run out a grounder that was bobbled. Getting a late start, Cano was thrown out. It was hard to miss, which must be why Kay, Ken Singleton and John Flaherty didn’t say a word about it.

The game ended with Mariano Rivera striking out pinch hitter J.J. Hardy after Nolan Reimold had been hit by a pitch.

Kay: “Yankees win, 11-10, and you can put it on the left side! . . . Rivera flirts with disaster but strikes out the pinch hitter Reimold, and the Yankees win the game! . . . ”

Flaherty, during a replay, next correctly identified the last batter as Hardy, not Reimold.

Kay: “So the Yanks were teetering there in the ninth inning, but Mariano pulled it out, striking out Reimold.”

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It never shows up in those silly “Keys to the Game,” and it only rarely shows up in the recaps, but unsportsmanlike conduct flags continue to determine the outcomes of football games as much as single plays and game plans.

Saturday on ESPN2, Utah State, a 23-point underdog at Auburn, had a 38-28 lead with 3:40 left, when CB Nevin Lawson gifted Auburn 15 yards for a late hit. Big. Auburn won, 42-38.

But the “Nike/ESPN Sports Culture Photo Op of the Week,” came Sunday on ESPN, during the game between Bethune-Cookman and Prairie View. Prairie View RB Jermaine Waddy, tackled after a long run, rose and, self-impressed, patted himself on the chest. At the time, his team was down, 42-0.

See ya’ on “SportsCenter!”