I took smoking lessons last Thursday.
I’ve never smoked a cigarette before and let me tell you, it is not as easy as it looks.
Why would I do something this stupid? Because tobacco giant Reynolds American was rolling out one of those “safe” electronic cigarettes — a real “game-changer” the company said — and I wanted to know what all the fuss was about.
All I can say is that the nicotine vapor went down smooth (a-hem, a-hem!). Really smooth (a-hem, a-hem!).
This isn’t going to be an anti-smoking rant. If you are a grown-up and want to smoke I really don’t give a damn. It’s none of my business.
And I’ve been known to congregate with the smokers outside our building. Non-smokers like me don’t have any comparable way to waste company time.
But I’ve never had the urge to even attempt one puff. (Then again I don’t think I’ve ever had a cup of coffee, but that’s another column.)
I will admit to taking a drag on a joint once when I was in graduate school. There was no effect, except on my mood — but I did have a sore throat for a week.
So anyway, Reynolds American has this new e-cigarette called Vuse that it will soon be selling in various parts of the country, starting in July in Colorado. It doesn’t have tobacco, but does contain nicotine and, therefore, it affects a person’s respiratory system and brain.
Let me put it a better way: Right now I’m a little buzzed after introducing my nervous system to nicotine for the first time. So forgive me if I start using big words and complex sentences — or begin drooling.
There are hundreds of kinds of e-cigarettes, I’m told. And big cigarette makers are already in this business. But Reynolds is the only tobacco company, so far, to develop and make its own electronic version.
So there I was sitting on a deck at Chelsea Piers with a company rep being given a Reynolds rap on how to smoke — and even after the lesson I was doing it wrong. While I was puffing back in the office one of the editors — a veteran of the habit — told me I wasn’t inhaling deeply enough. You have to bring it into the lungs and hold it, he said.
Nicotine, as you probably know, is very addictive. It stimulates the central nervous system and other glands and causes a sudden release of glucose. (I had to look that up because I never cared before.)
Fortunately I was able to break my habit cold turkey over the weekend thanks to a loving family, steely determination and the fact that my e-cigarette wore out.
These fake cigarettes (not to be confused with the candy ones we ate as kids) don’t have the “tar” and harmful gases that are contained in regular smokes. That’s why tobacco companies are now pushing electronic versions as a “healthy” alternative to tobacco cigarettes and why Wall Street is excited.
And apparently some smokers are buying into the hype.
Goldman Sachs recently said the sale of e-cigarettes is sharply higher this year.
And the Wall Street Journal’s front page yesterday contained the story “E-Cigarettes Fire Up Investors, Regulators.”
Me? I didn’t feel very cool asking someone in the elevator if she minded me “smoking” something that looked like a ball point pen with a little red little bulb glowing at the end. My elevator companion said she didn’t mind, but I think she was snickering inside.
I’m just thankful she didn’t know about me and coffee.
***
Okay, the buzz is gone. So now I’m going to write about something serious: my plan to save the US economy.
You’ve heard this before. The latest employment report, released last Friday, shows that, at best, the US economy is growing only moderately.
And if you take into account all the statistical trickery, it’s not even doing that well.
Worse, interest rates are climbing even though the Federal Reserve has done nothing to make that happen.
In other words, the markets are rebelling and the Fed will probably have to start tightening the money supply and pull back on its money-printing Quantitative Easing program even while the economy remains sluggish.
So here I go one more time.
As I’ve said many times before, Washington must change the rules on personal retirement accounts to allow Americans to withdraw some of the trillions of dollars stockpiled in these old-age accounts to, say, buy houses. Or cars. Or computers. Or bubble gum.
This’ will provide the economic stimulus the Fed’s QE hasn’t achieved. And it will do it with none of the dangers of runaway inflation or the ruination of the dollar.
Also, allow multi-national American companies to repatriate some of the profits they have stashed overseas — IF they create new jobs in America with a portion of those foreign profits.
The big IF is important.
Make companies sign a contract to create jobs.
If they fail to honor that contract, then all of the money repatriated will be taxed at an onerous rate. By taking the shackles off retirement plans, the economy would be stimulated in the near term.
By allowing the repatriation of profits, the effect on jobs and the economy would be immediate.