Jeff Ross has slammed, dissed and humiliated some of the biggest names in entertain-ment, from Charlie Sheen to Donald Trump, in his duties as roastmaster general of the New York Friars Club and host of the Comedy Central Roast specials. The 47-year-old tours the country frequently, but his next stop brings him back to his hometown for a SummerStage gig in Central Park on June 26.
“I write the jokes in New York and tell them everywhere else,” he says. “You have to have a thick skin to live in New York City. That’s a big reason to live here.” This is his roast of New York.
1. Apple Store, 767 Fifth Ave., at 59th Street
“I go at 3 a.m., and it’s packed. It’s about as packed as it is during the day. I like to go there and hang out, talk to the geniuses, get a drink at the Genius Bar. The best part of blacking out is waking up with a new iPad. There’s always cute nerds there to hit on with my friends — both staff and customers. It’s a scene. It’s cheaper than a bar. You get the latest technological advances, free Wi-Fi.”
2. Washington Square Park
“I love to spend time there. The fountain, the acrobats, people playing bocce ball, people doing drugs, people doing nude sunbathing, people walking their dogs — and that’s just Janeane Garofalo. I read the paper there, I write my jokes there. I’ve been living in that neighborhood my whole career. It’s like a big office: I take meetings there, I pick up a bagel at Bagel Bob’s and take it there. Where else do you see a guy with pigeons all over his body? He’d be a great guy to roast. I guess he’s used to be being s - - t on.I used to watch Dave Chappelle and Charlie Barnett perform in the fountain. That’s where [Dave] found his comedic voice, right in the fountain. I bought him his first beer in New York as an adult. He wasn’t of age yet. That was our graduate school, our spot to learn about human nature. It was arena comedy.”
3. TKTS booth, Broadway at 47th Street
“You can’t live in New York and not take advantage of Broadway. You see what’s on the board, and the show you want to see is not up there. I didn’t know it stood for “These Kinds of Tickets Suck.” There’s nothing more fun than a last-minute show at half-price with an obstructed view of Tom Hanks’ mustache. It’s half-priced admission — so I don’t have to feel bad for leaving at intermission. Before the mayor cleaned up Times Square, these booths used to sell Quaaludes.”
4. Bagel Bob’s, 51 University Place, at 10th Street
“They deliver, they have the best coffee. And if Mayor Bloomberg legalized it, I would marry their chicken salad. It’s not too mayonnaise-y, not too celery-y, it’s got chunks of white-meat chicken. It’s just heaven. I rub it on my body. And they’ve got delicious Jewish bagels sold to you by Arab guys. It’s like peace in the Middle East right in a bagel shop.”
5. Carnegie Deli, 854 Seventh Ave., at 55th Street
“Ever since I was a kid my dad was taking me to the Carnegie Deli. When my mom got sick, she was in a hospital in Manhattan. On the way home to cheer us up, my dad would always bring my sister and me to [there] for corned beef, latkes, cheesecake. Then we’d have to check ourselves back in the hospital with gout. The prices are crazy, and the sandwiches are too big. But it’s the best pastrami on the planet. Carnegie Deli is the reason marijuana would never be legalized in New York. It’s like a munchie heaven.”
6. Citi Bike station, 10th Street and Fifth Avenue
“There’s one right outside my apartment. Finally, something that smells worse than the subway: New York City publicly shared bicycle seats. I don’t know who invented this, but it had to be a lawyer, right?”
7. Grimaldi’s Pizza, 462 Second Ave., at 26th Street
“You can get up and dance right in the middle of the pizza place. Sometimes I take my shirt off, but that was the one time they threw me out. There’s a guy there, an accordion player, who plays old Italian songs. If you go there on certain nights he sings everything from “That’s Amore” to “Hava Nagila.” There’s nothing more fun for me and my Jewish family than eating pizza and listening to Jewish folk songs. I don’t know why Jews and Italians are so similar, but we like the same music — and the same food it seems. And we’ve got full noses and big stomachs.”
8. Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal St., at Minetta Lane
“I worked all the other New York comedy clubs first. [The Cellar] was the toughest to break through. I went there last when I couldn’t be denied. I feel like I learned how to make fun of people there. To go to the bathroom, or to the Olive Tree restaurant upstairs, you have to walk right in front of the show room. I’d always get interrupted by someone going to the bathroom — I always picked on them. I would tell them they just had to go right in the aisle. No one is off-limits when they’re going to pee at a comedy club. No one snapped at me. I’ve been pretty lucky. People can tell it comes from a place of affection.”
9. Wo Hop, 17 Mott St., at Worth Street
“It’s frequented by tourists, locals and the Department of Health every night. It’s hard to get classic egg foo young with gravy on it, but it’s amazing. You can also use it to caulk your bathtub. There are a lot of drunks in there, because its open so late. The delicious pork fried rice immediately soaks up the alcohol. They make crispy egg rolls you can also use as a weapon in case you get robbed coming out of there at 3 a.m.”