‘Calm the f— down.” That’s the new parenting mantra David Vienna offers on his blog, TheDaddyComplex.com. Every parenting site, from Jezebel to Mommyish to Mamamia, seems to be talking about it, and it’s been “liked” more than a quarter of a million times on Facebook. He’s got a point — up to a point.
“CTFD parenting,” he says, “will guarantee your child grows up to be an exemplary student and citizen.” Mocking the hordes of helicopter parents, Tiger Moms, etc., Vienna offers suggestions for applying his strategy:
“* Worried your friend’s child has mastered the alphabet quicker than your child? Calm the f— down.
“* Scared you’re not imparting the wisdom your child will need to survive in school and beyond? Calm the f— down.
“* Concerned that you’re not the type of parent you thought you’d be? Calm the f— down. . .
“* Stressed that your child exhibits behavior in public you find embarrassing? Calm the f— down.”
It’s characteristic of a kind of cool, relaxed hipster dad we’d all love to have. At The Atlantic’s site, Brooklyn Daddy blogger Matt Gross says he’s “internalized” the CTFD philosophy. “Kid fall down, go boom? Eh. Kid too shy to take the Gifted and Talented test? Whatever — we’ll try next year. Kid throwing a tantrum in the restaurant/playground/subway/country club/volcano rim? Just ignore her — it’ll end faster that way.”
Perhaps this is the natural backlash to a decade in which parents have gotten absurdly overbearing — punching out the Little League coach who doesn’t give your kid enough playing time, planning junior’s path to Princeton during preschool playdates.
But there are good reasons why it’s tough to be a calm parent these days. It’s hard to be relaxed about your child’s education when the public schools have gone downhill and college is more competitive and more expensive than ever. It’s hard not to worry about childhood injuries when we get a steady diet of stories about things like the link between concussions and longterm brain damage.
And it’s hard to be calm about temper tantrums because, well, oh, never mind — it’s just hard.
The biggest source of anxiety, though, is that modern parents don’t have much in the way of support. Swimming in a culture that glorifies sex and violence, without much extended family nearby, without other parents and schools that share your values, how can we not exercise constant vigilance?
“It’s hard to CTFD when my 10-year-old daughter gets invited to slumber parties and playdates [where] her friends are texting, snap-chatting and watching YouTube videos,” complains Regina, a mother in suburban New Jersey.
She says she’s “shocked at how many of her [daughter’s] friends have iPhones and other devices that give them constant — and often unsupervised — access to the Internet. Parents are buying this technology for their kids and not really thinking it through. Should 10-year-olds be texting? Posting pictures on Instagram? Having Facebook and YouTube accounts? You’re just asking for trouble.”
My own folks were real restrictionists when it came to TV, letting my sister and me watch only reruns of black-and-white sitcoms like “Mr. Ed” and “My Three Sons” on Nick at Nite. It seems quaint now, though, this idea that we can limit our children’s media diet by only letting them watch certain channels on the one TV set in the house.
The other day, I was eating lunch at a picnic table with the kids when a few pre-teen boys sat nearby and started flipping through their phones watching videos with adult content. “That’s F–ing hot,” they kept saying over and over within earshot of my 1-, 4- and 6-year-olds. I was tempted to take away the baby’s bottle just so that she’d scream over them.
It’s not just new media that makes me anxious. My daughter recently learned to read. Wonderful, right? But as I sat there skimming a New York Times story about murdered prostitutes and found her sounding out words over my shoulder, it suddenly occurred to me that everything is now fair game.
Of course, bad things happen and always have. I know I can’t protect my children from the harsh realities of the world forever. But I’d like to give them a few more years. Even if it means I can’t CTFD.