If the 50 Best Jokes didn’t give you enough laughs, here are a few dozen more to keep you in stitches.
LIAM McENEANEY
“New York City has some of the friendliest homeless people on Earth. “They’ll give you all kinds of advice without even being asked. I was walking down the street and this guy sitting in a gutter shouted, ‘My man, you gotta walk tall! You gotta show some pride.’ I said, ‘Thanks — you’re not wearing any pants.’
JACKIE HOFFMAN
“True, we are in a depression, but I do love that the hedge fund – – – holes and the rich, Wall Street banker types now know how actors feel all of the time.”
BO BURNHAM
“I’m an optimist. I don’t think of strippers as pole dancers. I think of them as confused firemen.”
MICHELLE COLLINS
“You ever sit on the train, and the conductor comes over the loudspeaker and says, ‘This train is being held at the station.’ And you just sit there, and you’re like, ‘God, I wonder what it’s like to be held?’ Because you’re so lonely.”
TOM McCAFFREY
“In fourth grade, I was voted class clown. Not because I was funny, but because I was an alcoholic and all the kids were afraid of me.”
JON FRIEDMAN
“I was having breakfast with my dad recently, who started spraying I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter all over his bagel. And I thought to myself, What more do they have to do before we don’t believe that it’s not butter?”
RYAN SHERMAN
“Michael Pelps lost the Wheaties endorsement. But he picked up Funions.”
(Wendy Liebman’s favorite)
BILL BRAUDIS
“There is a sign in my hotel that shows you how to use the stairs. In case of a fire, they show a stick figure very calmly walking down the stairs. I just don’t think that in a fire, a guy made of sticks is going to be very calm.”
(Dana Gould’s favorite)
RACHEL FEINSTEIN
“I can’t deal with the softening of the straight man. I don’t want to see any more men with their hair tousled into these ‘It’s fun to be a boy’ haircuts. No more ironic tops and shoulder totes. Soon men aren’t even going to have bodies anymore. They’ll take of their shirts, and there’ll just be a calming smear left.”
PETER KASSNOVE
On first-time parenting being like learning to drive: “First I’ll learn how to do it — and then I’ll learn how to do it drunk.”
TED ALEXANDRO
“Not only is Barack Obama our first black president — it’s the end of white presidents forever. Because you know what they say, ‘Once you go black..’ “
JORDAN CARLOS
“I live in a bad neighborhood and the little thugs — the ‘thuglets’ — used to make fun of me. They’d say, ‘There goes Obama! There goes Obama!’ And I’d let them have their laughs, because when the condos come in, they have to leave. They have to take that bandana out of their back pockets, put all their worldly possessions in it, tie that to a hobo stick, sling that across their shoulder, get on one of those see-saw trains and get the hell out of my neighborhood, ’cause I need room my yoga. The coffee shop and organic doggy-treat bake shop can’t open til you’re gone. Holler!
DOM IRRERA
“You know you’re getting fat when you say that in front of your friends and no one corrects you.”
(Jonathan Katz’s favorite)
DANA GOULD
“There is a Dog Heaven. I’m not sure about a People Heaven. There is definitely no Cat Heaven, there is only Cat Hell — it’s called Dog Heaven.”
JACKIE HOFFMAN
(To a predominantly gay crowd) “I just got married. Because I can.”
(Frank DeCaro’s favorite)
JOHN McCAIN
“I now introduce my choice for the next vice president of the United States: Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.”
(Andy Borowitz’s favorite)
CATIE LAZARUS
“On The White House lawn, the Obamas put up a jungle gym, to inspire kids to play and exercise. Then they planted a vegetable garden, to symbolize the root of a healthy diet. Maybe the Obama’s should set up a cubicle, to symbolize how one pays for gourmet food and playtime.”
DUSTIN YBARRA
“I used to work at Long John Silvers. I got fired because I was too honest with people. This lady was like, ‘Excuse me, sir, I found a hair in my fish.’ ‘Well, lady, you’re at Long John Silvers. You’re lucky you found fish in your fish.’ She wanted to talk to my manager. ‘I was like, ‘OK, I hope you speak Spanish.'”
HEATHER LAWLESS
“My mom tells everyone that I am a lesbian, but I know that I am straight because of the way I feel around my nephews.”
PETE CORREALE
“My wife’s grandmother came to visit us here in New York last month. She’s an 88-year-old Polish woman from Buffalo. I love this woman to death, but as you can imagine she walks like two miles per hour. She wanted to go see ground zero but I didn’t want to go all the way down there. So I just took her to a construction site in my own neighborhood.”
AMY SCHUMER
“Everyone is so hot in Miami — even the homeless people are hot. I made out with a homeless guy by accident. We were kissing on a bench and I was like, ‘Let’s go back to your place.’ He was like, ‘This is my place.’ “
HELEN HONG
“I get really angry when I see dogs and cats in commercials. Not because of animal rights but because I’ve been trying to book a commercial for 2 years and I can speak and read.”
STEVE HOFSTETTER
“We tease the homeless constantly. We have canned-goods drives for the homeless. They don’t have can openers.”
PHIL MAZO
“Parents say, ‘Eat this — there are starving children in Africa.’ What do they say to children in Africa? ‘Eat this — you’re starving.'”
(Steve Hofstetter’s favorite)
COLIN KANE
“They call New York City the city that never sleeps. I figured out why after I got my apartment, because the heaters keep you up all goddamn night! It’s four in the morning and I got the Blue Man Group banging away on my pipes!”
MYKA FOX
“I’ve decided to start having one-night stands. It’s not that I really enjoy sex — it’s just that I don’t want the people I’ve already slept with to feel like they’re so special.”
(Myq Kaplan’s favorite)
AMY SCHUMER
“You can guess, I never got attention from guys when I was younger. But then the old story — I got the braces off.Ñ.Ñof my legs.”
(Jim Norton’s favorite)
JEFFREY ROSS
At the Friar’s Club Roast of Matt Lauer: “Matt Lauer is so bland, his nickname in high school was Matthew Lauer.”
(Barry Dougherty’s favorite)
ROBERT KELLY
“You know you’re fat when you drop something and in your head you’re like, ‘Do I need that?’ ‘Honey, if you want the baby, pick it up.’ “
JANE KRAKOWSKI
Singing on “30 Rock” as Jenna, who scrambles the words to “Me and Bobby McGee” to avoid a lawsuit: “Synonym’s just another word for the one you want to use.”
(Judah Friedlander’s favorite)
JAY MOHR
“I don’t want to pick a favorite joke of mine because then I would hurt my other jokes feelings.”
LEE CAMP
“I put a pole in my room because I thought it would attract hot girls. Instead, firemen kept showing up.”
ABBI CRUTCHFIELD
“I like the ad on the subway: ‘If you see something, say something.’ It’s a lot better than their old ad: ‘If you see something, pee on it.'”